the long defeat

i have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
i've heard of other glories

i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

i can't just fight when i think i'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

i pray for an idea
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

we walk a while and sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
i won't pretend to know what's next
but what i have i've offered

i pray for a vision
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

i pray for inspiration
and a way i cannot see
it's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave





“. . How about if I say, I have fought for my whole life a long defeat. How about that? How about if I said, That’s all it adds up to is defeat? "A long defeat…I have fought the long defeat and brought other people on to fight the long defeat, and I’m not going to stop because we keep losing. Now I actually think sometimes we may win. I don’t dislike victory. . . . You know, people from our background--like you, like most PIH-ers [Partners in Health-ers], like me--we’re used to being on a victory team, and actually what we’re really trying to do in PIH is to make common cause with the losers. Those are two very different things. We want to be on the winning team, but at the risk of turning our backs on the losers, no, it’s not worth it. So you fight the long defeat" .

T__T

this weekend and next week is freaking ridiculous
its craziness

T__T

nonstop hecticness
nonstop caffeine intakes
nonstop head turning
nonstop decision making
nonstop testing
nonstop planning



why am i such a sleepy person? i wish i could sleep just a couple hours a day.
24 hours is not enough


and here i go again giving into sleepiness... why do you always win. ugh
even when its sleepiness VS pile of things to do. you win. you suck. i suck. i just want to sleep. noooo. but then again theres my friend monster. noooo. i despise monster. noooo.

"...you were as responsible for everything you saw as you were for everything you did. The problem was that you didn't always know what you were seeing until later, maybe years later, that a lot of it never made it in at all, it just stayed stored there in your eyes"

jon foreman

i have a whole batch of favorite bands and artists
their music i mean

i've never really had a favorite korean tv star or... singer.. or whatevs

but jon foreman!! (who has nothing to do with the previous two anyways)



yeah some of the acoustics are beautiful and switchfoot is a renowned band, but i could name many other bands/artists that i would rather listen to merely for ear candy
but what really attracts? no... not in that way... me to this person are his words

i guess you could say i admire him? no... not exactly in that way either...

okay. you could say that when i listen to his songs, read his lyrics, i feel like he took the words out of my mouth. no... not that either... haha wow. because i don't have the ability to wove words together like that.

more like... 'that's exactly what i want to say. what i want to express but can't find the words'
and his thoughts expressed and views that i can see through the lyrics, sometimes in glimpses, sometimes so strongly expressed, i find myself relating so much

i guess it could be a narcisstic thing. haha... i love jon foreman because i feel like he read my mind? i love jon foreman because he knows just the right words and the right amount of words? i love jon foreman because i feel like he shares the same views with me?



but what's wrong with empathy... a lot of times people can't help being drawn to it, even dragged around because of it. seeking after it.

yeah. it's always different though when i examine my own self




this letter that i found in this book by a 15 year old boy fighting to end human trafficking made me :) (haha i can't find the right word.) jon foreman even more

(okay... what is wrong with this sentence? isn't this ridiculous that i am admiring the letter by jon foreman to this kid more than i am digging into this book that this amazing boy wrote? ... but that will change once i read the book, haven't had the chance to yet...:l)





Howdy friend!
I'm rooting for you, Zach. Trust only the one who empowers you to think and speak and breathe differently than the headlines. He who created the foundations of the world is still creating. His eyes are on the oppressed and the broken.
You've written a book. And yet, because words are so disposable in our culture your elders will say, "what can words do? Change never happens! What can be done!"
Prove them wrong, Zach. Tell the story with your life.
-Jon

you know, as much as i strongly... dread pulling all nighters,
there is at least one thing that i appreciate about it (what???? -__-)






and that is.







watching the sun come up

something about mornings make me happy


























so i have lost my voice for the first time...


it was kind of funny, i would pick up the phone, and then realize i couldn't speak,
so hang up on them, then text them back explaining




and people at the registrar were pretty sympathetic after i showed them stuff like this:









i hope it comes back tomorrow

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like. "

"All right, so what are we laughing at you about?"

"I had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering. "

"What's preventative covering?"

"The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good. "

perspectives

i was looking at some pictures i took over the summer, and just playing with them, laying them on the floor... trying to make them more interesting i guess, maybe redecorate my room.

putting them together a certain way, eh i'm sad i don't know how to use photoshop well enough to arrange them in a non-rectangle way, but anyways... putting each angle/view of similar scene/object together... adds to the whole so much. and if i change the location or take one out, it totaaaallyyyy changes the picture. possibly the meaning.



i guess taking in so many things from different books, professors, encountering people, watching things, observing, hearing... made me realize, there's so many different perspectives out there. from people with different backgrounds. and how much are we missing out... of the whole picture, if we decide to interact with just a few of the perspectives, few vantage points.

i don't know about you, but i don't want anything but the whole picture, especially if it's something i love. if it's something i love, i not only want to hear from the people who are passionate about it in the same way, but also grow in knowledge of it from other aspects- even if i don't agree or am pleased with it- so i can truly comprehend... i guess in a way, what i'm getting myself into. haha. and how i can really... love it.



i think we limit ourselves so much because we choose to associate with just the certain kinds of people, indulge ourselves in just a narrow range of interests. i think our initiatives need to be different, to engage in more than the activities and more than the relationships that we would normally find ourselves in


i want nothing but the whole picture, nothing but Your story...