I feel like one of the greatest lies that the enemy likes to tell us is that our days don’t matter… or don’t matter as much as they really do. What we choose to do, what we choose not to do… wait to do… that we can only be passive consumers of whatever mood we are surrounded by in our environment… that everyday we just go through the same things… without making much of a difference in anything… not doing this won’t have too much of an impact… someone else will do it… and a popular one for me -_-: I’ll do it later.

Once he gets us to enter this cycle, we end up at a vulnerable place for other lies as well.

It’s funny because I think most of us like to see tangible ‘progress’ or ‘impact’ in things- and the way we measure progress/impact is for example, being able to see the weight that you’re losing, the A’s showing up in your transcript… not that these things are bad… but I feel like our eyes are much more closed to our ability to make lasting impact. Really. We’re talking eternity.

Cleaning has the ability to change the mood of the environment- the mood of the people dwelling in the environment- Exercising/eating healthy is an investment to your health (my mom likes to say that right now, I’m investing into my health in my 30’s, since I’m in my… twenties o_o) - it also releases endorphins, it literally makes you feel better. At least after the exercise is over, ahha (I can’t relate as much to this analogy, as I can hardly get myself to exercise). Studying… you should be able to relate what it does. Haha. It builds knowledge. It makes all these pretty fascinating connections between your neurons. Learning in general also increases your ability to appreciate. Heh. That’s something I love.

But praying… Bahh. Do we really believe and expect that every time we get ourselves to listen, wait on His truths, it shifts everything in your heart? That it reminds you of who you are, His beloved, your sole identity? That it allows you to be filled with His love, and leak only that, not other things you would be filled with if you haven’t been with Him (popular ones for me are anxiety and self-pity)… If so, why am I not going to His feet before anything else? Especially when I’m anxious and see myself falling into self-pity…

Reading the Word… His truths, His dreams, His desires. Interceding… Proclaiming His truths, His dreams, His desires… Like how He said ‘let there be light’ and it came to be.

I think another popular lie that has correlation to the previous one is that seeking Him is not exciting, at least less exciting than the activities we’d rather do in that time. And I’m writing from personal experience/struggles too… But really… Why does it seem like at that moment that browsing the web is more exciting than getting to interact with the Creator of everything good. Hmm. I think the enemy likes to deceive us to think God is a lot less appealing than He truly is. Because if there was nothing in the way of our sight from seeing Him for who He is, it would be too powerful of an attraction- that I can only describe as magnetic- except that it’s more powerful than any force that we can imagine- definitely more than magnetic, more than gravity, even more than the greatest passion that we have ever witnessed in anyone- then Satan is screwed. But our hearts are designed to long for God in every way…

I think we think that ‘interesting lives’ are ‘eventful’- at least that’s what Korean dramas, movies, the latest news about celebrities, our statuses, tells us. This post is kind of going everywhere, haha, in the beginning, I started making a list of ‘Things That Always Make Things Better but Are Not Necessarily Easy to Get Yourself to do’ for… fun. Anyways, what can be more eventful than listening to what the Creator is thinking??? What He thinks of you? That He wants you to express His dreams? That He can’t wait to bring this certain character into your life story that He’s writing? How He feels about that lady sitting down in front of Lucky’s in the cold, even though there’s maybe one or two people who ever stop to care about the organization that changed her life?

I am going to go through today with my eyes and ears wide open.

my utmost for his highest: gracious uncertainty

. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2 Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been. Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1  ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him. from CJ's old xanga.  CJ- I am excited to talk to you about things when we meet again. I wish I could have known you more deeply- not just through glimpses of who you are through your more contemplative posts... I could always relate to some very much, and I think we appreciate similar things... Anyways, can't wait. =)

If only

I can't... Or I don't want to... say it... because I don't want to offend anyone... when I don't mean to /when they don't really know. And it's not that there aren't beautiful things going on, even here. It's definitely not to shrink His presence and faithfulness- But I'm just going to say it.

Home isn't home for me. 

'Home sweet home'... This phrase is so foreign to me. When my friends say, "I can't wait to go home!"... I can't relate... but of course I'm not going to tell them that... And I fight against the direction of self-pity to start comparing families and homes. Nope, definitely not the direction to go. Instead, I think to myself that in the future, I hope I can provide that home-y home for my kids. And dream. Not to say that my parents do not provide for me... They are so sacrificial in all their provisions and it humbles me over and over, the love that they show through them. 

But if only they were able to see the goodness that I am able to see in each of them, in each other. 

How can you grow so cold and bitter to not be able to see? How can you be so warm but so callous and cold-hearted when it comes to seeing this one thing- You are so stubborn to refuse to see this one thing... And let it affect everything that you do... But I don't dare to say this to you, even thinking this makes me feel guilty- how would I know, when I haven't gone through all that you've gone through. 

But I also see it clearly. It's been getting clearer and clearer as I allow myself to see and believe, and hope. 

It's like how I can't deny that God is a good God when I see the way He designed little birds to hop around... Random I know... But it's a specific reminder for me, personally. A big one is just looking at kids. Anyways... When I think back on how my dad and I had our hugging and sobbing experience in the garage, or a recent one- how when he saw me coming out of my car, he just took my hand and held it- without words, because he knows how I felt when I exited the house- I can't deny the goodness and beauty in this father, even the ones not expressed yet. 

If only you were able to see that. 

Mm. What better way is there to build trust... Than to not-be-in-control. Ahah. Duh Soomin...

Trying to take matters into my own hands vs. giving them over and over to Him...

Striving vs. surrendering.

Resting in His presence. 

You need to be rooted in His love and confident in His love for you (and others...) to be able to just... be. Blows my mind how counter-cultural this is. Yet it's one of the deepest longings of our hearts. That is definitely a taste of heaven to imagine a world where all these different roles, obligations, 'I need to-'s are taken off and people are content to just be. And because they are content to just be, they are content for others to just be. Man this sounds so abstract but at the same time, that is how God sees us! Past our titles, past our reputations, past our jobs, roles... and how He sees me... 

Losening my grip on things... whether it'd be school, ministry, relationships, reputation/image, 'roles',  finaces, even my understanding of where You're taking me- but instead to grow in anticipation and confidence in His goodness. All these things that 'mean a lot to me' for various reasons- but knowing that He knows how much they mean to me. Trusting really means to be confident that He knows me and will take good care of me. And He Himself means so much more to me than any of these things can ever mean. 

Mmm. Haha. I was hoping to blog when I would feel less cluttered... Be able to present something organized and tangible in my entry. But I don't think that's really going to happen soon... haha. Plus I sort of lack skills in that area. That's okay.

I guess what I want to say is that I know that this season that is wrapping up, still going on, Idk- was the most loving thing that He could do for me. He loves me so much that He would spend a whole quarter... and more to come I'm sure... grounding me in my identity in Him as solely His daughter. Peeling layers and layers of roles/responsibilities that I tend to take on depending on my environment/circumstances as a friend,  dorm team leader, student, leader at home church... It's okay for my first priority to just be with Him. Just as I am- not together. My priority is not to try to take control of all these ridiculous circumstances. That no matter what the world tells me, my culture tells me, even my thoughts tell me, that He lovess and delights in me being His baby... In just being.

Funny season for Him to teach me and stretch me in being an intercessor, too. But actually very clever and thoughtful of Him to, when I think about it. I really love how this book calls prayer the 'highest form of art' there is- And I realized that if (and I very much agree) prayer can be perceived as an art, then intercession can be seen as the expression of the Father's heart... Yeah... that reveals much about intercession and rest. The highest form of art. All artists want to and attempt to express something beautiful, that completely captivates them. Well, His heart is the most beautiful thing that I know there is, and captivates me like no other, and I would love to try to express it with whatever means I have.

In My Quirkiness He is Strong

I was woken up today at Biomed by my... burp. Uh huh, my burp. I was falling asleep on a table not long after I opened the textbook. I wasn't even tired. At least not physically. As embarassing as it was (maybe not... it probably sounded louder to my ears than to others even at the dead quiet library)... my head felt refreshed from the short unintentional nap. When I put my head down like that on tables, I tend to get burp-y... Is that just me? I usually don't burp much either... Anyways. I was reminded of how parents wait until their baby burps before they allow them to sleep. 

Now that I think about it, I don't really know why babies need to burp before they sleep. It probably has to do with their digestive system not being as developed as ours. 

Maybe, to be able to rest peacefully in His arms, He needs to get some 'burps' out of me... There are so many things, even in just a day, that I seem to consume, whether it'd be a thought or a role I think I need to play. This is still a revelation in progress... 

To have the confidence and the freedom to be a burping baby. Puahah. The power is in the confidence as His child. Yeah, we are given authority, but only because we are His children. The power is in knowing who our Daddy is. 

The 'burps' that He wants to get out of me are probably all the false responsibilities or roles that are so easy for me to take on. He's been highlighting something about 'posture' to me the past week. I was able to pay attention to just the sounds of the wind, the waves, when I laid my head flat on the ground at the cliffs, facing the sky. Away from all outside noises. Cars, helicopters, of me fidgeting. I couldn't quite hear the wind or the waves as clearly, I didn't know I could hear them so clearly, until I put myself into that posture. The winds were getting pretty strong but I felt like I was being... cradled. I felt safe. How do I put myself into that posture all the time? To put myself in the posture that He created me to be in. To just be held. Cradled. Away from the posture that may look like me rolling up my sleeves and saying okay God, let me do this for you... haha. 

...He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  -2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Except He told it this time as the phrase, "In my quirkiness, He is strong". Um... hahaha. What? But it must make sense. He is definitely teaching me how to be weak so He can be strong. He has definitely been encouraging me to just be myself. He notices and delights in all my 'quirks'.... actually He designed them in Himself.  He knows me pretty darn well. And I am weak. No matter how strong others may view me as. Being myself means being weak. 

It was a pretty heavy morning. But He is on His throne as He has ever been and will be. He is the God who gives life and brings sunlight everyday. And every ray of sunlight that He gives is far more powerful than any measure of darkness. That's how we see. 

I am such a weakling, it's pathetic. Biking is not supposed to make you this air-headed and sore. Even if the bike has no gears. I am motivated though. Until the day I can freely ride uphill... and I definitely appreciate this cute cruiser that my generous friend is letting me use.

Speaking of pathetic... maybe it's how pathetic puppies or kittens can look at times, maybe just a bit, that makes them even cuter or stirs up something in your heart and want you to hold them forever. Not drawing this connection with my first pathetic illustration. The first one is just sad. 

But maybe I'm going somewhere with this post. 

Something about having a broken spirit stirs God's heart deeply. More than anything else. 

 ¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) 

In some ways, for me at least... it's easier for me to feel the things on His heart for the poor, the homeless, those who I may never come in contact with but I know live in such a different world than my bubble... but they are not the only brokenhearted, and the crushed in spirit. There are definitely such people who are very much brokenhearted and crushed in spirit close in my proximity, even if I may not be aware. Or I might get a sense, but it's harder for me to truly feel the things on His heart for them. Why? 

Am I not convinced that He is their only hope? That there are other things that they could fall back on. When in truth, they are only barriers if they are fooled to think that they could 'fall back on them'. Is that why it's harder for them to feel that the LORD is close to them? Harder for me to see that He longs to be close to them? 

My desire is to feel the burdens on Your heart. But to know that You are on Your throne and not to acknowledge anything less than that. How does that look like, Abba... 

Your desire is to take me deeper. Yes, it delights You that I want to lean close to You and dare to put my ears so closely to hear Your heartbeat. But You need me to be a baby. In order for me to be able to listen. I need to be convinced that I am just Your baby. That You don't require me to be anything else. Actually... such posture is only possible when I let myself be a baby. To be held, and be cradled. To have childlike confidence in Your love for me. The most powerful thing I have ever experienced.

It's reassuring, though. Whenever I look back... or whenever I hear somebody tell me how much I've grown, especially in my boldness... I just look at them and think. Dang. It's funny how that works is because if I've grown in any direction, it's in my neediness. It's in my dependence on Him, and freedom to be, yeah, His baby. And sometimes I might do something bold but it's really not. All I know is that He wants to show His love and that He wants to set who He is or what He is about straight. 

It's not about knowing all the details of how You work. Or what You are doing. But You yearn for us to know You.  You also have a desire to be known and understood. 

So it really is a win-win situation. I actually need to be a baby. To be able to understand You deeply. I think I can do that. I think I can be pretty good at it. I've been pretty good at it recently... so why is it that right now, with everything that is going on, with 'so much' on my plate (but I don't really think about this. Which sometimes the enemy lies to me that's being irresponsible and foolish.But the truth is it's far more foolish to keep your eyes on the plate instead of on His face or even just the flowers in the field), it seems to be pretty challenging to be just that. A baby. 

Not to say that You are frustrated with me. I think I'm doing all right... and You know all the reasons why it's challenging for me. 

You have such an upside down Kingdom. 

You see me.

You know where I am. 

It's the most comforting thing. 

You know where You will take me. 

It's the most exciting thing. 

and You know me. 

It's the most powerful thing...

speechless.

From: unni Sama

Dude. I just learned 

smthng priceless from the bible. 

john 8:32.......

From: unni Sama

Its exactly what i needed 

and exactly what umma and appa need!!! 

From: unni Sama

Ok am i frkng u out? qq

maybe too much coffee.. i 

hav midterm at two 

To: unni Sama

No ur making me smile really wide. havent looked 

up the verse though. 

walking home. God is so good. 

ill be praying for ur midterm

From: unni Sama

Its 'Then u will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free' 

From: unni Sama

I just feel that knowing the truth will solve all the 

problems i have. and i understand how 

ppl would feel like when they know God? 

i don't know how to put these in words. 

Yeah... that's my sister. 

You are ridiculous.

You knew this would be my next blog post. 

You really love me.

:you are very different culturely wise, probably now more like a san diegoian
::haahahah
::hmm how so?
:just seem different from before
:much more out spoken
:confident
:and happy
::wow
::haha sweet... it's all from Him
:yes!
:thats the best part
:haha
:: :)...

You know what things mean a lot to me

and You show it in a way that I could not have imagined

What to say...

He has been... He is doing so much. 

When people ask me, "how are you doing?" or "what have you been up to?" or even "what has He been showing you...?". Sometimes I wish they could scan my brain, read my heart, and I wouldn't have to do the talking. I used to think a lot about how I wished everyone could just see through everyone's thoughts. Then things would not be as complicated. But that's kinda different. And now I don't think I would like that anymore. Although I have become more open and vulnerable since then. 

But He helped me process, He always does. And today, almost unconsciously, I told my friend that He has been "refining and re-defining my definition of love, closer to His, by shaking up my relationships". 

Yeapp... 

He has granted the desires of my heart, and He knows it inside-out... He knows how I long to find security in relationships. Much of my journey acknowledging Him to be who He is has been trusting Him with all sorts of awkward ones, trusting that I'm not the awkward one... and much of my praises and awe of His beauty have flown from Him doing ridiculous things with the deepest-wounded, most hopeless relationships. 'Complicated' ones. Nowadays, I feel almost like an audience watching my relationships (I actually would not call all of them relationships either... Like, really... I don't have a relationship with all of my friends on Facebook. I guess the more correct term is people I have...crossed paths with at some point) as He unfolds, directs, allows, moves them around. Some are flourishing. Actually, this group is the smallest. Some are fading... Mostly ones at home, which begins a battle fighting guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Some are emerging. Let's fight anxiety... I ask Him to give me wisdom to discern which ones He wants me to invest in, and peace and freedom to meet more new faces. Faith and His compassion to genuinely want to know their stories and tell them about His for them. Some are coming back into my life out of nowhere. They can't be of anything else but Him pursuing them and their deep need for Him, He shows me. Some are struggling... This is where He has been especially waking me up to His definition of love (the phrases we say about His love all the time... they're not ideal definitions, they're the only real ones). Some are not even relationships.. but oh the strangers You bring... or used-to-be-strangers. 

It's definitely not that I feel like an audience because I don't care about them. It's a battle to be free from guilt, anxiety, sadness, frustration... to let go of 'control' and let Him tell me that my identity is solely defined by one relationship. Nor do how my relationships are going tell me how I am doing... not even if I'm doing okay with my relationship with Him... Puhaha... I am definitely not in control... He has clearly been telling me 'Why are you trying to play me...?' , not in a stern way, but a "Soomin... you are so silly" way... 

This is turning out to be longer than I thought, and I have not been studying for the past few hours for my math quiz tomorrow morning. But I have been cramming Organic Chemistry like there is no tomorrow for the past 3 days T_T... Anyways...

Fleeting... is the favor of men... I am sure it is amongst many in the book of Ecclesiastes... ahah... and not even the awesome relationships I have between people and myself, the ones Himself blesses and is pleased by,  is comparable to the relationship that I desire to encourage them to find and pursue with Him. The goal of any of my relationships should be that... 

Writing this, looking back, and looking at what is ahead of me right now in terms of  what this post has been about... there's been lots of emotions involved. Or could have been, could involve, but I think it means I'm doing pretty all right that more than my emotions or how I feel about where a certain relationship is going, who He is revealing Himself to be (He is love Himself), how He is getting me from my definition to His, and being humbled and awed at Him building a stronger and stronger foundation in my identity as His beloved daughter is what brings joy to my heart, at the end of the day. Oh. And in the morning. :) 

I want to live before Your eyes, 

I want to stay before Your gaze. 

Just keep me steady, here. 

...I want to make a statement, every time I pause, from the 'hectic' agenda, that You are sovereign. That You are the one meeting people. Not me. That You are the one orchestrating all these beautiful revelations of who You are. That You are the one who brought me to San Diego. That um... You are the one who is moving on this campus. 

...I also want to make a statement, every time I pause for a stranger, a friend, a professor, an apartmentmate. That that's who Jesus is. That You would stop all agendas, even what's going on in Your heart, Your mind, Your traffic of emotions. Just so that You can show them love. That is Your agenda though, all the time. 

Your will is always to love. You did everything out of love... and when the end goal is just that- to love- it never fails. 

I walked into Plaza Cafe to buy my ice cream that I was really excited to eat watching the sunset at the cliffs, and this guy (probably a freshman) was whistling the tune of "Our God is an Awesome God". I made eye contact with him, and after he walked away, I continued the song. 

Currently...

I'm a little overwhelmed. And it's easy to say that it's because... and it does start with me feeling behind. Honestly whenever I come in and see my apartmentmates using their molecules kit for O Chem, I am reminded with this anxious feeling that I have not touched the textbook yet. And then of course I'm reminded of the other classes, how I need to pull my act together this quarter for my parents... wonder what my apartment-mates think of me because they hardly see me being a 'student'... needing to spend more time with them... then that opens a whole another door... I start feeling short. 

Yeah... I feel short of time, resources, emotional strength, abilities, and hit with realities that I can't control how other people feel. Or think. Am I doing okay? I feel like I'm not being a good enough daughter. I feel like I'm not really a great apartment-mate, I need to be around more... etc. 

Man. If I really sit down. And think about all the things that I feel like I should be doing more of or be there more for... it sure piles up. 

On the other hand, I could sit down, and think about all the things that He has made known to me that He is handling. 

My only role on this campus, in my family, in my apartment, wherever I go. Is to be His beloved daughter. 

My job is not to fill others' needs. 

Only to be filled myself.

I am not in control of the first nor am I responsible for that. 

It's not being selfish but acknowledging that I am not God and yielding so that He can make Himself known... This can be hard, but He knows why and I fully believe that it is only Him who can meet us wherever we are and that when He does, He completely fills us up. So we don't have to go around looking to be filled by others for the things they can't. 

God I need Your grace to live in this truth today. In this freedom that You've been so eager to give me. And I know is what I've been yearning for. I've been tasting in the past couple weeks. 

And You've just shown me two days ago what happens when I do yield to this truth. Even though I couldn't quite see it for an year or two, I trusted You.  You know how much it means to me. You would remind me at this point... Thank You..

Being in the secret place is not a place to remove myself from others' lives or the world, but the most involved I'll ever be. Because it's the place I'll be most near and in tune with Your heart, and both of those things are for sure in Your heart. A lot more fit in Yours than mine. And I also get to acknowledge who You are and who I am. And I get to be filled. You've shown me too much that it's about what flows out from my heart, not what I try to muster up from it. 

Man I really have nothing to offer by myself HAha. And I am glad. 

I really liked today.

Even though I am really behind in my classes. 

1. I was very precise in my timing to drink my coffee. 4 hours prior to o chem lecture. And it was delicious. 

2. I went to Perk's. 

3. He got me again through the bleeding woman passage. 

4. Tomorrow I am going to OneThing LA! 

5. My friend offered to let me borrow her O Chem textbook so I don't have to spend $100 on it. God is so good to me. 

6. I finally ordered guacamole in my sandwhich. After hesitating and regretting not including it in my last 2 orders. 

7. I decided I like Foodworx (though I don't like to spell it with an x). Their salad bar is yummy! Wraps mmm. 

8. I liked last night. 

9. Ryan's talk was very very refreshing. 

10. My birthday friend visited my room and totally blessed me through what she said about how she thinks about how her mom went through so much to give birth to her. Seriously. Who thinks about that and calls their parents to thank them?? 

11. I was supposed to get my bike from my friend today but it didn't fit in her car, but that's okay. 

12. I decided I like all of my professors. My chemistry professor looks like a basketball coach: He's very chill, great lecturer, pretty funny, and I payed attention through 90% of lecture. I am proud of myself. My spanish TA is very expressive though intimidating at times. I noticed language teachers are often stylish. My music professor is a very interesting man. He walked from one end of California to the other just listening to all kinds of sounds. And I like my math professor's accent and he's very nice too. 

13. In music class he was talking about how greater and further away the journey (from the beginning of the piece to the 'return home' near the end of the piece), the greater the celebration, and I totally thought back on Ryan's talk last night (prodigal son). 

14. I had a seat in that class. And I was at least 5 minutes early to all classes. I think. 

15. I looked up randomly at the sky in Warren and it was super pretty. Today was a pretty day in general.

16. I am not too tired right now. Amazingly. This is good because I need to stay up. 

17. I ran into a lot of pleasant people =) 

18. I made a haiku last night, inspired by a friend, and I thought about it and was pleased: 

Hippoppotamus

You drink a lot of water

Like me I do too

edit:: 

19. I still can't do ponytails but I can do headbands now.

20. This is my first view when I come out from our apartment in the morning: 

Dear God,

You are moving on this campus. 

I am astonished. 

God- I want to see Your dreams for this campus fulfilled. 

This traffic of people- each of them is a sparkle in Your eye. 

Your sons and daughters that You will not relent until 

You have all of their hearts. 

LORD Give me a heart to intercede for this campus- 

What You feel about it when You see the broken parts of it. 

Thank You for this morning with R-

Thank You for pursuing her- 

Revealing Your intentionality and Your love for her... 

God, I ask that You don't stop. 

That not only will You reveal the 'thing' that she suspects 

may be keeping her from taking that leap of faith 

to take Your invitation, but also so much more than that. 

Touch her in a way that she will know that it can't be 

anything less than the living GOD who wants her 

to walk with You every step. Every step of healing, 

every step of revelation. 

God I realize what an honor and blessing it is 

to feel the things in Your heart

including the burdens You have for this campus

more so yearnings. 

Because You know and anticipate what's on the other side. 

Thank You for letting me see that people are hungrier 

and more seeking and open, than ever. 

There are so many people who are specifically craving those things. 

God, I, for one, have an unsatiable yearning for all things 

that You offer through knowing You- 

intimacy, purpose, identity- 

it is You at the core of these things

and only You who can- 

This I am sure for everybody on this campus. 

God, increase our confidence, our passion, to help others 

realize this truth. 

I guess that's a very teeny glimpse of Your relentless love 

that You have for this campus. 

May they be able to see and proclaim themselves, 

bow down and worship You. 

You are a Person. You are alive, 

You love. Oh how You love... 

You are so wise, sovereign- 

Anything- whether it'd be misconceptions,

hurts or baggages from the church, 

humanism, any other strongholds 

won't you just make them so weak 

as You reveal Your very Person- 

Your personality, what You are about, 

Your kingdom- 

to each person who may still be affected, 

chained, ruled by these things. 

That every tongue, nation, will see that You are GOD 

confess that You are LORD. 

I love interceding for our campus, Father- 

For my family, and my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I love that I can be free to love them in such a way, 

at the same time know that Your burden is light and easy. 

Thank You for making Your presence and Your fingerprints so evident. 

I want whatever I feel, burdened with, think about

to be a result of being with You, 

listening to Your heart 

I want to be at the secret place every day. 

All the time would be good. 

=) 

9/29/09

Two things He told me:

When I asked, what's one thing that You want me to walk away from this week: 

That even if I hadn't 'done' any of this week, 

He'd love me the same. 

...

and that I don't have to be all anxious, 

He's not going anywhere. 

Puhaha... 

There are a lot of things going on. 

Several things He's been bringing up...

I really can't get myself to blog. Last blog remains unedited. 

Tis a journaling season =)... Meaning a lot of in-the-process'es... He's going to teach me things. Ahah

But a thought: as I know, sense, and feel the different things going on for each person around me. Away from me... close to me, not so close to me... and with the new freedom that He's been giving me (would have been the remainder of the last post), that He never meant for it to be a burden but a blessing that I am easily in tune with what others are thinking or feeling, yet He wants me to be free and expressive of who He created me to be and what He's doing in me- Okay this is super run-on. I think He's beginning this shift. And showing me by example (always...). Jesus always had everything to do with the world around Him... Yet He was definitely not living on earth. Physically, He was, but not in His mind, His heart, or His soul. I feel like I'd rather be concerned and involved with what my brothers (allowing, and this is another story) and sisters in Christ, and for sure the ones who don't know Him are going through, than... I don't really know how to form this yet. But my joy shouldn't be blinding. Or limiting. It brings freedom. It opens doors. It gives out invitations. Joy opens eyes. It definitely opens other people's eyes. And I want to rejoice because I know that what lies ahead of whatever my friends or family are facing is freedom and the full package of what He has for them. And press on for them together. 

It's like... when you like someone, and know what they think about you (all good things that make you feel fuzzy inside), you can't help but be so... happy. And it's Him thinking about us that way.

 

I love my new journal. Briana gave it to me at the end of last year, and it has John 4:14 on it. And I decorated it. I am the girl. I'm on a date with Him. =) 

Idk. All I know is that I am more in love with Him than before, and maybe that's all I need to know. Probably. =)

About Freedom

How would things change if you knew that you could never fail? 

This is a question that my youth pastor used to ask. It would stir up something in me, and I could see where he's trying to get to. 

But really. We are free to live, free to love, and free to worship. All of those things require full confidence in the truth that His love never fails. 

This is something I want to blog more about later, as this is well... zero week. Ahah. 

God has been emphasizing 'transparency' (along with that comes... vulnerability) for me since the summer. That He is wiping my windshield. Taking the dirt, fogginess off. Not only so that I can see further and more clearly ahead, into the things that He's bringing into my life, but that it's going to be important for people to look more clearly into me as well. My friend prayed this for me sometime in July and He's been re-directing my attention to it over and over. To trust Him that He's doing this so others can see a full view of what He's doing... It's definitely a stretch for me, and it means a lot in ways that He knows. But I've been convinced that it's important and have yielded to it, and have seen Him move in ways I could not even imagine as summer closed. 

Anyways what does this have to do with freedom...

(Then I fell asleep.)

__________________________edit: Saturday morning after 0 week______

Awkward Relationships or... Awkwardness in Relationships

How relatable, right? I was going to put this as my Facebook status yesterday... "Awkward relationships. (Not just guy-girl relationships). What do you think they say about people?" But I didn't because I didn't want to make it seem like I was referring to any specific relationship that I have. Though I have my share of awkward relationships, haha sigh. 

There are categories of awkward relationships. Or stages. Or both. The girl-guy-where's-the-line kind, the before-even-getting-to-know-the-person kind, the you-sense-something-they-don't-think-you-know kind, you-just-can't-relate-to-them kind, and of course just the plain insecure kind where you are worried they don't like you. Haha this reveals how much I contemplate on this sort of thing =(... But I was admitting to my friend today that when I start dwelling on an awkward relationship, it bothers me so much that I can't go to sleep! =(... 

It really bothers me. Awkward relationships. Or awkwardness in relationships. I guess because I end up reverting back to questioning if there is something wrong with me, if it's just the way I am. 

Sometimes I feel like it has been easier for me to love God because He's really the only Person in my life who's been able to see through everything. See through all of me. Often times I felt like I could see what people see when they see me, and didn't like it. I am pretty intuitive, and I didn't like it because I felt like it was a burden. I am a sucker for intimate relationships. I grow jealous at them. I definitely think about... myself (ahaha) when they talk about the kind of loneliness that builds up as you meet more and more people. I am an introvert at heart, though I may seem like an extrovert.

There has been much freedom for sure though, in the past year. About my identity. How He made me so intentionally and specifically, not to make me feel more lonely but to take me to the only place I won't ever feel that way. 

Yeah. I want to be freeeeeeeeeee. I am free. But awkwardness in relationships sucks. 

I wanted to put up a vulnerable entry. =) 

Bliss

Heavenly joy. 

Taste of emotions of angels. 

Joy is from heaven. Heaven is characterized by joy.

His kingdom on earth should usher in joy. It's inseperable.

"People are surprised to find that God is often in a good mood" 

=)

My heart is full. 

My 'radar' for anything else is definitely off. 

Not by anything else but who You are and what You do. 

And I want to stay here forevaaaaa =)

Not that everything is going perfectly. But I know in a way that's better than perfectly.

I want to live in such a way that nothing ever gets bigger than my awareness of Your presence.

It's funny because the Bible commands us to "Rejoice!" A lot... It never tells us to "Be Solemn!" Haha... The 'closest' thing to it, possibly, in the world's point of view is "Be still and know that I am God"... But that's where the misconception lies. When You are still, and know that He is God, and how much He rejoices over you, and how good He is, how much He is for you, you can't help but rejoice!! =) 

"The greatest secret regarding joy is in discovering God's joy over us... God has joy. And it's His joy over us that makes us strong! That truth sets us free unlike anything else." 

Two prayers or... desires He's giving me for this coming year

1) Humility 

-because I want to be about what You are about... 

-I don't want my security to be the favor of men, but Yours only 

-how foolish would it be to build something that will pile up like dust and blown away. (meaning building up my kingdom in any sense, not His) 

-I don't want to be dependent on my own skills, abilities, talents, to draw people, to "love" freshmen... Dang. that would be tragic. 

2) to be transformed by His Word

-this is so broad... and a lot... I know. 

-but at least for Him to get started (puhaha) , at least as much as how prayer has, freshman year. 

-to be convicted of more 'hidden' areas of my heart.. convicted constantly by the Spirit

-because I am a messenger! I need to know the WORD!! a;sldf duh. 

-I want to be able to supernaturally encourage people more. 

-I want to know Your heart more. 

- I want to be always weak at the knees about who Jesus is, what He is about, what He does

One week.

Will summer feel like a dream? 

I just typed out this question because I almost can't believe that I'm leaving here in less than a week, despite it having been pretty slow, at least in the beginning. Coming back to the family, to find Umma in the worst state I've ever seen her...  and missing San Diego... 

To answer my own question... which I often do, ahah... No way, Jose. 

Dang. This summer has been, if anything, awakening. In every way. Haha... maybe He gave me that question to lead me to this word. To help me try to start forming something more whole and together to describe or refer to this summer. 

I really wish I could express myself better in words. I just keep saying that this summer has been a LOT... Haha very descriptive I know -__-... Okay. So what was it a lot of. 

It took a lot of faith. In the beginning of the summer, I constantly reminded myself that He is the same God that has shown Himself to me, freed me, awed me, orchestrated my days, spoke to me in our secret language, through my frustrations with my shortcomings, hopelessness, and 'homesickness'. And that it was His will (closing doors, and giving convictions..) and out of obedience that I came home this summer.

I also came into this summer ready to label it a 'summer of exploration' after coming back from Jesus Culture, hahaha... I found myself digging into the abundant resources in forms of the Internet, books, people- Actually, it was more like, they came to me. Dahh; lkadjsf. No. He really... brought specific people in my life, for this specific season... His intentionality and His sovereignty that showed through this just owned (lack of a better word...) me. 

Awakening of... taste of... community. Its power and its beauty. Again, how He brings people, in the way we can't imagine- loving on one another, bonding during the summer, even more than the year with few girlies from San Diego c:... Coincidence? I don't think so. Awakening of... my identity and my calling that He has for me, has been revealing to me in a quite dramatic way... through people, confirmations, personally, more specifically... Puahah. Constantly giving me more peace and confidence about them... Correcting my focus from myself to who He is... Expanding my 'big picture'... my view of who He is, needs to keep up in expanding with this. But because I haven't been digging into the gospels (and now Revelations) as much as I planned to, it feels quite behind. 

Awakening of what He invites me into... ;laskdfj the intimacy that He desires to share with me always (still, always will, until He reminds me again that it's not about me feeling adequate but just because He's made it possible) makes me feel like, "...... How dare I? Even think that's possible..." Puahaha

Revealing, confirming, encouraging, the gifts that He has given me, and making clearer their purposes in the next year, next few years, more into the future I'm not as sure. But excited. And definitely more open, since the beginning of the summer. 

Um... family. I'm not saying that now we've become a perfectly restored, flourishing in our love for one another, walking steadily with God, family... but OH MY GOODL;ASKDFKLJ. I honestly do not think I almost did not believe, or think it was possible, for my relationship with my dad, and my mom to be where it is, right now, this very day, when I stepped into summer. And what God is making veryahahclear to me is that He 1) is pursuing each member of my family, much more than I can ever desire Him for them. 2) He knows each one, since they were little kids, so personally, wrote their story, has amazing plans for them. 3) All of them have been noticing and responding to this truth!!! WOW. 4) Three words: Beauty for ashes. WOW. 

There is much reflection and soaking and still, investigating time waiting for me in San Diego s2 (Blogspot never lets me make the other heart :l ) But this definitely helped... Must sleep early to wake up for last prayer meeting tomorrow, which is another ;laksjd;flkajsd;lsk story like dying to myself (or trying) in various ways and believing in His plans more than my fears and seeking Him out of faith, not out of setting or environment... All out of Your grace, all out of Your grace, and also because You want to show me You love me. 

Start. Making list of things to get done before leaving.. 

1) Finish 2nd roll, B&W roll, develop film, view Holga prints :o) 

2) That shouldn't be my first on the list... oh well. 

3) Make sure I have a place to sleep every night in the next 2-3 weeks ahah 

4) Start packing... buy stuff like.. dishes? Toiletry holder! Lamps! Pretty stuff to decorate keke 

5) finish the Gospels! Hopefully get to the books... : l 

6) Build guitar skills for next year... kind of short on time :( 

7) Finish strong. 

Reading back on the beginning of this entry (which actually took me nearly an hour to type... so much to process) feels like at least a triple de ja vu. I don't know why. 

It took a lot of faith. He tells me that it also took love. I obeyed because I love Him. And out of my weak love, He... I think it's becoming more tangible to me, what it means that it touches God's heart, when I express my love for Him, though it's so weak, compared to His for me. God's love for me... It's the most simple thing, yet I feel like I don't understand it at all yet... It makes more sense when people tell me, "He really really likes you..." or, "You're really important to Him...". I don't know if that's just me. 

For now though, I feel like You've been throwing enough things at me that I recognize it as that. That You love me. 

. You know my heart so well, and Your invitation for the other way around blows.my.mind. ;alskfsdj;alksdfjl;k... Really...? 

. Ahaha... Jesus is a revolutionary. But where Jesus is, is also where my pasture is.  The only one.

. There is nothing stronger than His will. And His will is to love. Always. 

. When You show up, You work on multiple multiple fronts, even ones we are not aware of.It's not that You weren't involved before, either... I can't word this. I give up. Whollistic healing. Restoration, such a sweet word. One of the things I love most about who You are. To see it happening before my eyes, such hopeless ones, weary ones... the two most closest ones to my heart... and more than that, ;lsakdfkj... would have been, is, way enough to overwhelm my summer (I don't think that even works out as a verb like that, but ;aldksfk) ... speechless.

. All things fade in Your presence, except Your goodness. It's like... impossible to think of anything else. Except that You are so. good.  I forget all the ways I felt short of myself, before. I forget about all anxieties, doubts, or even things I might have enjoyed before- anything less than You, Your Person. Because there is nothing greater than You.. Duh... why is it that we need Your presence to put everything in obvious perspective? Actually, of course we do ;lakdjsfljs

. As I was driving behind this scary looking truck (bulldozer ?) today, and how the situation reminded me of a pig getting dragged to the slaughter house, or someone dreading following a bad leader, even... I thought about how differently You lead. How different You are. How thankfully... amazingly, beautifully, You do... You use our affections. I wish this would be (of course, myself included) more powerfully expressed in the way the Church follow Him. 

. I want to love You with such simplicity, focus that it would be like a ray of sunlight penetrating, burning a hole through. A small one, but a precise one. That I won't miss the point. That my love will be so directly, intentionally, powerfully expressed. 

dawn... 

dusk...

bliss .

the sparkle in His eye

In a child's first two years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life. In fact, some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the "sparkle in someone's eye." When you catch a glimpse of a child's face as she runs toward an awaiting parent with arms outstretched in unrestrained joy, you can witness firsthand that incredible power that comes from "being the sparkle in someone's eye". When this joy is the strongest force in a child's world, life makes sense, because children look forward to moments when they can re-connect to joy- by being with their beloved. Wonderfully enough, that innocent, pure desire that begins in childhood continues throughout life. Life makes sense and is empowered by joy when people are in relationship with those who love them and are sincerely "glad to be with them." 

my mom is a huge fan of Susan Boyle... came across this man thanks to her: 

genuine is the word.... :)

Updating a lot today...

but a pretty funny interaction between my sister and I...: 

me: Appa, what does that say in Chinese? (at a Korean restaurant) 

dad: it says (something) tofu. 

me: Oooh i see.

me: Hey, I know how to say "I want ice cream" in Chinese!! 

sister: I know how to say "Why are you not handsome?" 

me: I also know how to say "Do you have a hippo?" 

sister: I know how to say "Why do you have no money??" 

... 

hahaha (my sister is just kidding around)

"Just find the most hungry, the most sick, the most needy and minister to them.  They’re the ones that want more of God.  That’s my greatest lesson, and tenacity is another one.  You don’t stop, and you don’t deny your calling.  You remember His goodness everyday whether you’re thrown in jail or slammed against the wall or shot at or ridiculed.  You just continue to cling to the promises and to the presence of God..."

"...Blessed are the poor in spirit.  For theirs is the Kingdom of God.  Blessed are the children.  Theirs is the Kingdom of God.  There’s something about desperation, no backup plan, a child-like spirit. 
 
When you tell the poorest of the poor they’re going to see a miracle, that deaf ears are going to open, they don’t question it in the village.  They don’t say, “Oh yeah, prove it.”  Bring the deaf, and they hear.  They’re so child-like in their belief.  They just see way more.  They’re also more desperate, and they’re more hungry in the natural realm; so it seems to pull the Kingdom of Heaven to them in a greater way. "

"...I’m more in love with Jesus than life.  He’s my everything.  I want His presence more than I want to feed the poor.  And I love to feed the poor, and I love the lost. 

Fruitfulness flows from intimacy.  It doesn’t come from any other place.  It’s John 15.  All fruitfulness flows from intimacy, and the point of intimacy isn’t just the fruit either.  It’s being with Jesus.  It’s being in love with Him and being filled with Him and [reveling in] His presence and His touch.  That’s what I live for.  If I never, ever get to take in another orphan, if I can be in the presence, that’s what I’m created for.  I just love His glory.  I just love His presence.  I love to feel His touch and be where He is. "

"If God is not with us, we do not want to continue. If the Sermon on the Mount is simply impractical, our mission work is hopeless. We have no backup plan. We have nothing but Him." 


-Heidi Baker