Two prayers or... desires He's giving me for this coming year

1) Humility 

-because I want to be about what You are about... 

-I don't want my security to be the favor of men, but Yours only 

-how foolish would it be to build something that will pile up like dust and blown away. (meaning building up my kingdom in any sense, not His) 

-I don't want to be dependent on my own skills, abilities, talents, to draw people, to "love" freshmen... Dang. that would be tragic. 

2) to be transformed by His Word

-this is so broad... and a lot... I know. 

-but at least for Him to get started (puhaha) , at least as much as how prayer has, freshman year. 

-to be convicted of more 'hidden' areas of my heart.. convicted constantly by the Spirit

-because I am a messenger! I need to know the WORD!! a;sldf duh. 

-I want to be able to supernaturally encourage people more. 

-I want to know Your heart more. 

- I want to be always weak at the knees about who Jesus is, what He is about, what He does

One week.

Will summer feel like a dream? 

I just typed out this question because I almost can't believe that I'm leaving here in less than a week, despite it having been pretty slow, at least in the beginning. Coming back to the family, to find Umma in the worst state I've ever seen her...  and missing San Diego... 

To answer my own question... which I often do, ahah... No way, Jose. 

Dang. This summer has been, if anything, awakening. In every way. Haha... maybe He gave me that question to lead me to this word. To help me try to start forming something more whole and together to describe or refer to this summer. 

I really wish I could express myself better in words. I just keep saying that this summer has been a LOT... Haha very descriptive I know -__-... Okay. So what was it a lot of. 

It took a lot of faith. In the beginning of the summer, I constantly reminded myself that He is the same God that has shown Himself to me, freed me, awed me, orchestrated my days, spoke to me in our secret language, through my frustrations with my shortcomings, hopelessness, and 'homesickness'. And that it was His will (closing doors, and giving convictions..) and out of obedience that I came home this summer.

I also came into this summer ready to label it a 'summer of exploration' after coming back from Jesus Culture, hahaha... I found myself digging into the abundant resources in forms of the Internet, books, people- Actually, it was more like, they came to me. Dahh; lkadjsf. No. He really... brought specific people in my life, for this specific season... His intentionality and His sovereignty that showed through this just owned (lack of a better word...) me. 

Awakening of... taste of... community. Its power and its beauty. Again, how He brings people, in the way we can't imagine- loving on one another, bonding during the summer, even more than the year with few girlies from San Diego c:... Coincidence? I don't think so. Awakening of... my identity and my calling that He has for me, has been revealing to me in a quite dramatic way... through people, confirmations, personally, more specifically... Puahah. Constantly giving me more peace and confidence about them... Correcting my focus from myself to who He is... Expanding my 'big picture'... my view of who He is, needs to keep up in expanding with this. But because I haven't been digging into the gospels (and now Revelations) as much as I planned to, it feels quite behind. 

Awakening of what He invites me into... ;laskdfj the intimacy that He desires to share with me always (still, always will, until He reminds me again that it's not about me feeling adequate but just because He's made it possible) makes me feel like, "...... How dare I? Even think that's possible..." Puahaha

Revealing, confirming, encouraging, the gifts that He has given me, and making clearer their purposes in the next year, next few years, more into the future I'm not as sure. But excited. And definitely more open, since the beginning of the summer. 

Um... family. I'm not saying that now we've become a perfectly restored, flourishing in our love for one another, walking steadily with God, family... but OH MY GOODL;ASKDFKLJ. I honestly do not think I almost did not believe, or think it was possible, for my relationship with my dad, and my mom to be where it is, right now, this very day, when I stepped into summer. And what God is making veryahahclear to me is that He 1) is pursuing each member of my family, much more than I can ever desire Him for them. 2) He knows each one, since they were little kids, so personally, wrote their story, has amazing plans for them. 3) All of them have been noticing and responding to this truth!!! WOW. 4) Three words: Beauty for ashes. WOW. 

There is much reflection and soaking and still, investigating time waiting for me in San Diego s2 (Blogspot never lets me make the other heart :l ) But this definitely helped... Must sleep early to wake up for last prayer meeting tomorrow, which is another ;laksjd;flkajsd;lsk story like dying to myself (or trying) in various ways and believing in His plans more than my fears and seeking Him out of faith, not out of setting or environment... All out of Your grace, all out of Your grace, and also because You want to show me You love me. 

Start. Making list of things to get done before leaving.. 

1) Finish 2nd roll, B&W roll, develop film, view Holga prints :o) 

2) That shouldn't be my first on the list... oh well. 

3) Make sure I have a place to sleep every night in the next 2-3 weeks ahah 

4) Start packing... buy stuff like.. dishes? Toiletry holder! Lamps! Pretty stuff to decorate keke 

5) finish the Gospels! Hopefully get to the books... : l 

6) Build guitar skills for next year... kind of short on time :( 

7) Finish strong. 

Reading back on the beginning of this entry (which actually took me nearly an hour to type... so much to process) feels like at least a triple de ja vu. I don't know why. 

It took a lot of faith. He tells me that it also took love. I obeyed because I love Him. And out of my weak love, He... I think it's becoming more tangible to me, what it means that it touches God's heart, when I express my love for Him, though it's so weak, compared to His for me. God's love for me... It's the most simple thing, yet I feel like I don't understand it at all yet... It makes more sense when people tell me, "He really really likes you..." or, "You're really important to Him...". I don't know if that's just me. 

For now though, I feel like You've been throwing enough things at me that I recognize it as that. That You love me. 

. You know my heart so well, and Your invitation for the other way around blows.my.mind. ;alskfsdj;alksdfjl;k... Really...? 

. Ahaha... Jesus is a revolutionary. But where Jesus is, is also where my pasture is.  The only one.

. There is nothing stronger than His will. And His will is to love. Always. 

. When You show up, You work on multiple multiple fronts, even ones we are not aware of.It's not that You weren't involved before, either... I can't word this. I give up. Whollistic healing. Restoration, such a sweet word. One of the things I love most about who You are. To see it happening before my eyes, such hopeless ones, weary ones... the two most closest ones to my heart... and more than that, ;lsakdfkj... would have been, is, way enough to overwhelm my summer (I don't think that even works out as a verb like that, but ;aldksfk) ... speechless.

. All things fade in Your presence, except Your goodness. It's like... impossible to think of anything else. Except that You are so. good.  I forget all the ways I felt short of myself, before. I forget about all anxieties, doubts, or even things I might have enjoyed before- anything less than You, Your Person. Because there is nothing greater than You.. Duh... why is it that we need Your presence to put everything in obvious perspective? Actually, of course we do ;lakdjsfljs

. As I was driving behind this scary looking truck (bulldozer ?) today, and how the situation reminded me of a pig getting dragged to the slaughter house, or someone dreading following a bad leader, even... I thought about how differently You lead. How different You are. How thankfully... amazingly, beautifully, You do... You use our affections. I wish this would be (of course, myself included) more powerfully expressed in the way the Church follow Him. 

. I want to love You with such simplicity, focus that it would be like a ray of sunlight penetrating, burning a hole through. A small one, but a precise one. That I won't miss the point. That my love will be so directly, intentionally, powerfully expressed. 

dawn... 

dusk...

bliss .

the sparkle in His eye

In a child's first two years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life. In fact, some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the "sparkle in someone's eye." When you catch a glimpse of a child's face as she runs toward an awaiting parent with arms outstretched in unrestrained joy, you can witness firsthand that incredible power that comes from "being the sparkle in someone's eye". When this joy is the strongest force in a child's world, life makes sense, because children look forward to moments when they can re-connect to joy- by being with their beloved. Wonderfully enough, that innocent, pure desire that begins in childhood continues throughout life. Life makes sense and is empowered by joy when people are in relationship with those who love them and are sincerely "glad to be with them." 

my mom is a huge fan of Susan Boyle... came across this man thanks to her: 

genuine is the word.... :)

Updating a lot today...

but a pretty funny interaction between my sister and I...: 

me: Appa, what does that say in Chinese? (at a Korean restaurant) 

dad: it says (something) tofu. 

me: Oooh i see.

me: Hey, I know how to say "I want ice cream" in Chinese!! 

sister: I know how to say "Why are you not handsome?" 

me: I also know how to say "Do you have a hippo?" 

sister: I know how to say "Why do you have no money??" 

... 

hahaha (my sister is just kidding around)

"Just find the most hungry, the most sick, the most needy and minister to them.  They’re the ones that want more of God.  That’s my greatest lesson, and tenacity is another one.  You don’t stop, and you don’t deny your calling.  You remember His goodness everyday whether you’re thrown in jail or slammed against the wall or shot at or ridiculed.  You just continue to cling to the promises and to the presence of God..."

"...Blessed are the poor in spirit.  For theirs is the Kingdom of God.  Blessed are the children.  Theirs is the Kingdom of God.  There’s something about desperation, no backup plan, a child-like spirit. 
 
When you tell the poorest of the poor they’re going to see a miracle, that deaf ears are going to open, they don’t question it in the village.  They don’t say, “Oh yeah, prove it.”  Bring the deaf, and they hear.  They’re so child-like in their belief.  They just see way more.  They’re also more desperate, and they’re more hungry in the natural realm; so it seems to pull the Kingdom of Heaven to them in a greater way. "

"...I’m more in love with Jesus than life.  He’s my everything.  I want His presence more than I want to feed the poor.  And I love to feed the poor, and I love the lost. 

Fruitfulness flows from intimacy.  It doesn’t come from any other place.  It’s John 15.  All fruitfulness flows from intimacy, and the point of intimacy isn’t just the fruit either.  It’s being with Jesus.  It’s being in love with Him and being filled with Him and [reveling in] His presence and His touch.  That’s what I live for.  If I never, ever get to take in another orphan, if I can be in the presence, that’s what I’m created for.  I just love His glory.  I just love His presence.  I love to feel His touch and be where He is. "

"If God is not with us, we do not want to continue. If the Sermon on the Mount is simply impractical, our mission work is hopeless. We have no backup plan. We have nothing but Him." 


-Heidi Baker 

You're

always more than who I imagine You to be. 

and what You want for me is more than what I imagined it to be. 

Um, this summer is more than what I imagined it to be. 

Come on

you got this. 

actually no... ohhhh no... hahaha..... 

but He got this. 

Dear God, I am really glad that you always want us to be simple. Being simple is the most powerful thing I can do for myself. And the best. So I'll go do that. Help me please, I know You will. Thank you for taking care of me.