I am thinking of moving to tumblr. 

I feel like I'd feel less obligated to make my blogs more structural. 

It's been an year with Blogspot already!!! 

Wow. 

And here comes March... I am excited for the 09'ers. 

I am quite tired. But I am going to Irvine in an hour. 

Thank God for weekends. 

and moral support for all nighters. and life.

and caffeine. 

and sugar-y fruits. 

and old buddies. 

and transportation.

I am quite excited for the train ride and the train ride back teheh. 

It'd be nice to get away. I really really love San Diego but, 

I hope it will put some things into perspective. 

I miss Umma, Appa, Unnee, Mochi, & Nabi. 

Personal. 

You know how sometimes you're touched by a friend doing something for you, which requires him/her to remember the specific things you've said in the past, and to be careful and intentional of the timing, and most of all for them to know you? What hurts you, what makes you happy? Why they hurt you, why they make you happy? And what they do just shows... how they much they understand you. 

Well multiply that by like infinity. Literally, haHA. :) 

That's our God. 

He's been doing that a lot to me, lately. 

That's my God... 

It is

nearly 3:30 AM. And I've actually tried to sleep since around 1 AM. I don't know why I can't fall asleep... Maybe it's the 2 hour nap I took yesterday, maybe it's the coffee?? But both of these rarely rarely interfere at all with my astounding ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. 

Oh, well. Thankfully it is a Friday tomorrow, though it's going to be a studious... weekend. Next week is a monsta for many folks. Good luck! We shall pull through. :) 

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and scattered... lacking in time, strength, resources... It's familiar ground for me. Thoughts linked with thoughts with motivations with being hard on myself linked with anxiety with responsibilities with that balance thing I'm pretty bad at and prioritizing and with discernment and all these things I don't even quite know how to connect. How do I simplify, how to simplify, I want to simplify...

Duh. Soomin. These are all your thoughts. 

You only need to listen to One thing- from One source- One voice. 

That's how you get His thoughts. 

O Lord bless me and keep me 

Cause Your face to shine on me
Lord be gracious

Lift the light of Your countenance 

Give me peace

For I live only to see your face 

So shine on me

Let the light of Your face shine down

On my heart 

And let me feel it

confession

naw, i don't like the rain that much... but i like this part of the movie that i actually DID watch, a part of it this past week. i've heard of the song before of course :) 

i like the rain, but not with the wind :( i had to walk to geisel at 10 am to return my book, and i think i've become pretty pro @ trying to "steer" my umbrella so it doesn't... flip... and leak all the water on me. can you relate? haha 

anyways, my confession... is this: 

'

i daydream of being a mom sometimes... hahaha. especially when i look at things like this. i stumbled upon this person's blog somehow, and even though it's in a different language (that i am ashamed to admit i don't even know which), i'm like in love with it... heheh.... it's like her daily life with her little kids. the pictures are probably really romanticized but, mm it doesn't hurt for pictures to be? especially when taking such pictures make you happy to be a mom? love love her pictures and her house. i feel like i'm walking into anthropologie. i can't wait to decorate my baby's and kid's rooms and the cutest books i'll read them and buy their cute shoes and outfits and hehehehehehee. 

haha yeah. um. and though i am not up to date with korean pop culture and whatnot and have never watched a full episode of 'we just got married'... i am a fan of this celebrity couple in Korea: 

it's so encouraging. and they're actually real people on & off screen who acknowledge that their relationship is based on how much God loves them, and how they learn this more through each other. so needed in Korean media. sigh. 

the last picture really makes me want to be a mom. hahaha ok. 

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction" -Antoine de Saint-Exupery  

it was refreshing after reading The Symposium -_-... and all the claims to "this is love" s surrounding Valentine's Day

624 to 9

songs. 

You know how when you connect your iPod to a different iTunes library, it asks if you will erase all the music from the original iTunes library to put new ones in from your new iTunes library? 

I was bummed because I haven't been able to put any new music into my iPod since college because of this (all my music is still in my desktop in NorCal). Because adding new songs would mean sacrificing all those delicious playlists... If you know me fairly well, you would know how much I cherish certain songs and enjoy listening to my bands... 

But I realized that it would just be a natural response, a continuation of response to the things God's been revealing to me,to decide to do what I just did- 

about the hold that my thoughts have on my relationship with Him- the thoughts that put my relationship with Him on hold- 

It's not that good music is bad, hecks no, God created music. And I think there are parts of Him that He expresses through sound, that He can't through other means... And I'm not a obviously-words-God-would-not-want-me-to-hear-containing-songs listener either. 

But I know that by deleting- giving over- these songs, that sometimes really, occupied my heart... I am making more room for Him. 

This I think is the most fresh act of worship to Him that I was convicted of. And chose to do. 

As He's been showing me how much more real He and His presence can be when I strive to make myself more humble and right before Him- "To show that you really want to be in His presence" as the Old Testament people did- how much more He blesses you... It is only natural to. 

I don't know if I am going to... or going to strive to give up secular music all together. People have different views on this. And my position has always been the one searching for the 'more lenient' view because of my attachment to "my music"... 

But it's not about that. It's not about trying to determine where the line is, what the rules are... what God thinks are 'okay' ... 

It's about pursuing Him the way He wants you to know Him...

So. Yeah. There are now 9 songs in my iPod. It may be silly to write a long-ish entry about this, but I couldn't help but realize and dig into and marvel at the symbolism this, act of worship has for me. And I hope and know... means just as much to Him. 

I feel free. And at peace. And I know God's going to be more intimate and real to me, and that's all I want. 

finally found where i belong...

Your presence is all I am longing for, here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I am waiting for, here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I’ve finally found a place
Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong
I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, it’s to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine
So come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God

So blessed.

Today was just lovely. 

I am very thankful. Really. 

:)

Now I am going to snack on my Hello Panda and START BEING A GOOD STUDENT

backstage

It just made sense to me as I was walking down the same path that I take everyday, hearing the same sort of side conversations: "You know when people just try to be polite but hate each other behind their backs?" And it was sad as it came from a group of people who seemed a group of grown-ups. Faculty maybe. And these kind of things flooded my thoughts. The 'backstage' of everythings that we put up. The backstage of runway shows. The backstage of strip clubs, like Heather's testimony last night. The kind of sinking, absorbing feeling you have that you fight to fall asleep. Those are the places where the real battles happen. Those are the places the real stuff forms. Or deforms. The stuff that matters, the stuff that you know, really affects you, much more than everything your day consisted of. Feeling like the outcast still, maybe more than ever, after going through and pausing after faces after faces. Knowing so well, more than anyone else, of the difference and the disparity that exists, isolates, eventually eats- from what others think you feel and what you really feel. How ridiculous that is. Avoiding someone as you are thinking to yourself, they have no idea what thoughts are running through my head, and seeing them gazing upon you is only going to make you feel more alone. The emptiness that wakes and resonates more than your body can handle when all the masks, the names, and the images have been taken off, and it's just you. That you're starting to think that this is all there is. 

I'm going to keep believing that You intend to be present during these minutes and hours. That You intended to be present backstage, more present here than any other part of my day. Thank You... You are the God of the Other, the Stranger, the Outcast, the One who never quite fits. This is how You drew me to You. My backstage could be- the hole that only digs at all the wrong directions, or it could be- the very place I meet with You and allow Your hands to place each piece of Your masterpiece. And when You whisper to me, 'You belong here- You surely belong here'-  and there exists no difference, disparity, gap between Your heart and mine- I can say- "You are my Shepherd, I shall not want". 

I want to gaze upon Your beauty-

Crown of beauty instead of ashes; 

Oil of gladness instead of mourning; 

Garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair

edit: Um, I am okay. I am actually doing very well... I just started writing away and was reminded of what brokenness is... and God was being creative. Focus on the later paragraph :) 

i used to be in love with this song 1-2 years ago

coming across it again was pleasant <3 

it puts me into the shoes of this girl that needed direction with her thoughts

Because I believe You so much. When You say true success is when you can say, 'I've set people free with Your promises'. By giving them the truths about who You are and what You've already done with the things that just chain us down and tear us apart.

I pray that this is the kind of success that I pursue, a rich relationship with You.

Through all that I do today. Through the time that I choose to spend doing certain things. For me to be more aware of Your reality, God. How You are moving in this world. How You are moving on this campus. How You are moving in this room, here. How You are moving in my heart...

In Jesus' Name, Amen.