Things in a Place Called My Head. Warning: Unfiltered and Unorganized.

I think gratitude is really it. 

That changes everything. How my day turns out, the direction of my thoughts, how much I can bless others / whether or not I can even bless others... whether or not I choose to look at something as a burden or a blessing. The big picture or do I become too wrapped up in the 'issues' around me or my own internal struggles. 

I don't blog much in this way anymore. Most of my blogs I notice are just song lyrics or phrases I want to remember or express. Share. My own thoughts (well, the 'raw' ones, or the ones before my 'product thoughts')  and personal feelings rarely are shown. Hmm. I guess that pretty much reflects how I am though. The latter are saved for my journal or private blog, which I am definitely looking forward to reading back this summer. It will feel like I'm walking through the days again. Teheh. I am excited. 

I spent a good amount of hours last night burning CD's as part of the gifts for our leaders- still have about 6 more to go. And eh, I should have finished my paper during the process that was due Friday (first time I did not turn in something on time since college), but naw. Decided to read through e-mails and blogs instead. 

It's over my head how God is so intricately involved in each person's life. Where He is directing each person to, how He is showing Himself to them. 

I was talking with a friend back home last night in awhile who definitely has challenged me through her faith despite being 2 years younger. and dang, let's just say that God knows what He is doing. and He is so intentional. Again and again. You prove it to me again and again. And He is quite witty. and funny. and ha, sovereign. 

She was sharing with me (I don't know if she reads this blog haha, if you do, feel special :) !) how she realized that obedience may not immediately lead to 'reward'- but what she learned is that like Joseph, who obeyed God through his whole journey from being sold into slavery by his brothers to being jailed to forgiving his brothers as someone with so much power in his society, God will take you to the place where you would definitely see that He rewards you beyond what you could have imagined. Not only does He meets your needs but... more. So much more. He does this a lot... over and over in the Bible and around us... 

What I realized is that what may seem like a 'lack of reward / any recognition from God for your obedience' at the moment- those steps, are necessary for Him to take you to that place at the end. To show you how much He knows. To show you how soverign He is, to show you how able He is. How much He can top whatever you ask. 

And that in itself is a good reason. The point is just to show you how good He is. Not just good... but how can He best show Himself to us for who He is? How can we get to see as much of His glory as we can?  Haha, I don't know if this just sounds confusing... but it makes so much sense in my heart. 

Something else that's been on my mind is "the spectrum" or "the way that we seek Him and His kingdom" within the church. "theological differences", "feel-good Christianity", "kingdom-centered gospel", "spiritual gifts", the list goes on and on... I sense that there are people around me who are searching and wrestling with these things, and it leads me to ponder..

That should probably wait until another entry. But I believe that God desires to be as real as He can be in our lives, that He is as involved as we let Him, and that He can use anything to show more of Himself. And I definitely don't believe in the thin-faced Jesus. And He shows up much more when we seek Him with our hearts than with our intellect... not that we can't. Also that He values refining our character. Okay this is really... in the process thoughts. 

I feel like there has been less 'musings' in my own mind about what it would 'look like' or 'how can I'-s... but more listening. And it has changed everything... I've gotten to know Him so much better and in ways I never knew Him before this year... to see Him as who He truly is. More so, what does it look like to acknowledge that in the way I live? Think? Plan? Express. Share. 

Maybe He just wants us to always have room to listen. To always be in the posture of listening. He has so much to tell us, so much to show. He cares, about the smallest concerns, most narrowed-down questions... but maybe we should let Him tell us what He does wants us to know first. Before anything. 

Mm. Most likely about who He is. 

2 CD's left. 

I realize how much I appreciate and love my leaders as I was signing the cards for them. I am definitely more expressive in writing than... speaking. Oh the Korean side of me that I cannot deny. Or maybe it's the unexpressive family background side of me. Haha 

This was really long. One of those entries that makes me realize what I want to blog about later. Two weeks left with the ones living around me, being excited for next year, Urbana... 

Summer is in two weeks. I am going to be studying like never before. and about summer and the end of the year and how my two worlds are starting to mix and collide together and Him telling me that He has been, is the same in both -yeah. it would take another lengthy one. 

I have glitter on my new violet keyboard covers. HEhe :) 

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Maybe He only has one direction for me: 

deeper. 

You are loved- 

everything because He loved me. 

I really think that spending the rest of this quarter reflecting just on this will be. 

The only place I need to be. The only place I need to 'get myself to'. 

Thank You for loving me... 

I have decided

I have resolved

to wait upon You, Lord

My Rock and Redeemer, 

Shield and Reward 

I'll wait upon You, Lord 

summer

- jesus culture whoo 

- visit sister at san luis obispo... slo town. with lovely beaches and clam chowder and galleries

- roll around with my cat 

- practice guitar to lead worship for bible study next year!!! big goal. 

- get into a GIG with a friend

- take a photo class. hopefully. please please... but now i don't have a film camera. 

- finish my GE's! whoo

- use my holga :) :) 

- tutor hopefully.. seriously need to save up 

- so excited to hear first year of college stories 

- and share 

- san francisco my lover

- panera my 2nd home

- whole foods my treat

- drive around aimlessly (if gas price allows... or if the occasion allows) 

- start learning how to cook (especially korean) 

- find more cost-nothing-fun-activities to do :) 

- which is pretty much just spending time with enjoyed companies

- or find ways to amuse myself, which is not very hard

-i still really wish i was in TJ this summer. 

-it's okay. He must have something better.

YES 

(thought of and drawn by an amazing friend named sarah fong. :) )

At least I guess I know what to look for... or what I'm looking for.

It's never only to be a burden, but for the best.

I am going to the zoo tomorrow with my mom. I am just so excited at the thought of feeling a bit like a little kid again. It will be very refreshing to just enjoy being able to be a 'baby'... As much as I think it's ridiculous when my mom tells me to do certain things at home, and I would respond, "Umma, I'm going to collegeeee"... Haha. Look at me nowww... and though even at home, despite being the youngest, I am not exactly the 'baby' of the family... I can pretend, at least this weekend. With one month left of my first year at UCSD, very much filled too, I want nothing else other than to just come to my mama. Haha. 

So today is Sungod, and I have just come back from Academic Advising and I plan to go study at the Living Room. I feel like quite the nerdette- Haha. Or, nerdette-wanna-be. Hahaaaa ok. It will really be worth it though :) I like Augustana and I take pride puha in knowing most of their other songs besides just "Boston" and yadda yadda but I am content with Foreman this whole year, thanks. Teheh 

I was looking at the ad though for Sungod and I find it funny that after all the "safety rules"... they provide all these numbers. Numbers of what? Counseling & Psych Services, Sexual Assault Resource Center, Alcoholics Anonymous... Don't take it the wrong way, and it would definitely be at my fault if I was just trying to judge- but isn't that ironic? That they encourage us to "play safe" but hmm, just in case this "playing"gets you to places where you may feel the need to dial these numbers... Here you go. Do they really not see it? 

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that going to Sungod is bad all together or actually not even saying anything (at least in this post) about it, but what I find most interesting is the attitude and approach that the school administration has towards what goes on. 

Yeah, that's great that they provide resources for our 'safety'... because that's what caring looks like, right? 

... 

So much I want to express. Maybe you would get where I am trying to get to. I just found myself thinking about again, how different He is. 

It's all about loveee, 1 Corinthians 13... love is a choice, love love love... affirming people... loving on them... it seems like I like to talk or think about these things. 

But you know what I'm realizing. 

I don't know how to love. 

All I know is how to obey... 

Thank God that that's good enough for Him

Posting this picture just made me realize, 

even though I would call this a 'dry season' for me, 

He's giving me few of the most refreshing revelations, through His grace

:) 

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness, or trial, or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So firm on HIs promise I'll stand

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
Where favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Today was one of those days where I was re-assured that it's a series of small things that not only leaves smiles but also His presence, especially in this season

Think about it: that guilty yet such satisfying frapuccino in the middle of a cram session, that person(s... especially more than usual) that you run into that encourage you without knowing, that phone call that you have with a good old friend that you see as Him-led, series of your favorite songs playing at a cafe (something about them playing at a public place, not just on your iTunes makes you feel all special puahha) ... all those are for you to see that He loves you. 

 

I'm more than what these ashes say 

'Cause they will fade away 

when He comes for me 

My love is real before His eyes

He's ravished by the sight 

of one glance from me

Sitting in my statistics class today...

paying attention. 

Until I hear a voice: "WHAT?" 

in the middle of lecture... it was someone picking up his phone. And seriously, using an outside-voice to talk on it. Boohoo. boohoo. 

And last week, there was a guy with his earphones on, blasting music, and it was so loud that the other side of the RBC auditorium could hear it and turned around. 

Come on. 

Yeah, statistics is a pretty boring class, and I am guilty for not giving our professor full attention also... but dang, it's like straight-up-front-expression of disrespect. 

It made me sad thinking how our professor would feel. I seriously feel sorry sitting in that class. And then I thought about how, when I give a presentation in front of class (which I  quite dread...), how each eye-contact someone intentionally gives me and each face that looks like he's bored out of his mind counts. It either gives me a sinking feeling or a pat on the back. I find myself looking for someone who I know is actually interested and genuinely wants to communicate that she or he (actually she, because I feel more comfortable staring at a she) cares, and then I end up almost presenting it to her. Haha. 

I realize that that person is Jesus. Not just through presentations but through every little thing I do or fail to do... He's the one I can expect to find in the audience, in the midst of a bored, apathetic, or disapproving crowd, smiling. Giving me a pat on the back with every glance. When I need that assurance the most... 

He's the only one I need that pat on the back from, that assurance from, that I-am-for-you from... The way He does this also makes me want to be that person sitting in the crowd... or just by herself... to every single person He places in my life, too. Whether it'd just be a random encounter for a couple of minutes or a relationship that lasts years... 

I have so much to learn.