all right...

i've been privatized-blogging for the past month... it was just so much to absorb and digest and try to make sense of and start building and listen and and yeah. you can't (well i can't...) really do that publicly... and i must admit i just typed "publically" and back-spaced it because my smart macbook red-underlined it for me. puahha. 

today is TUESDAY which means they have shrimp tacos @ el mercado! hooray. finally 

this is like my 3rd blog today. for the past hour i've read my blogs since february. i realize i've been blogging since 7th grade starting with xanga (i think my first one was like co0ki3zNcr3am or something... ahhahaha ew.) but i've really been consistent! and also kept physical journals... i am quite proud and they've definitely played a big role over the years. 

wow i just read this survey in my old old xanga that asks my friends: "can you see us as friends five years from now?" and it's actually been almost 5 years... and most of the answers are accurate.. crazy. and the inaccurate ones are sad :( 

yes anyways... college is great. i really like. enjoy. i tire. i stress sometimes, but really.. God's provided me with sO much, and constantly assures me... 

it's been quite a full month, and i think He's just revealing to me what He's going to work in me and also build in me the next couple years. there are four things... and if you ask, i will gladly share :) 

and despite me feeling like i have not been completely in tune, or as in tune as i should be, with where He is, He's still been doing so much. "in the moment of my weakness, you give, me grace to do Your will"...  it's amajing. because i know it's definitely not by my own actions or even attitudes, but through Him just choosing to use me, even in my not-the-best-spiritual-states. i will tell you stories in person. :D

random :) moment:

-a grandpa staff member @ plaza who, whenever he successfully swipes my card (mine's one of those annoying bent ones that you have to swipe at least 4 times for it to get through) around the 3-4th time, smiles to himself (and i can see though he tries not to hide it). 

okay back to week 5~

'the sky seems to you as big as how big your heart is'

"When tragedy strikes, we don't need more intelligence. We don't need a great number of skills. We need depth, the kind of depth Job had. When the bottom dropped out of his life, Job had the wisdom to say: 

But He knows the way I take;

When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

My foot has held fast to His path;

I have kept His way and not turned aside.

I have not departed from the command of His lips;

I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food. 

-Job 23:10-12

The modern age is an age of revolution- revolution motivated by insight into the appalling vastness of human suffering and need. Pleas for holiness and attacks on sin and Satan were used for centuries as the guide and the cure for the human situation. Today such pleas have been replaced with a new agenda. On the communal level, political and social critiques yield recipes for revolutions meant to liberate humankind from its many bondages. And on the individual level various self-fulfillment techniques promise personal revolutions bringing "freedom in an unfree world" and passage into the good life. Such are modern answers to humanity's woes.

Against this background a few voices have continued to emphasize that the cause of the distressed human condition, individual and social- and its only possible cure- is a spiritual one. But what these voices are saying is not clear. They point out that social and political revolutions have shown no tendency to transform the heart of darkness that lies deep in the breast of every human being. That is evidently true. And amid a flood of techniques for self-fulfillment there is an epidemic of depression, suicide, personal emptiness, and escapism through drugs and alcohol, cultic obsession, consumerism, and sex and violence- all combined with an inability to sustain deep and enduring personal relationships.

So obviously the problem is a spiritual one. And so must be the cure. 

But if the cure is spiritual, how does modern Christianity fit into the answer? Very poorly, it seems, for Christians are among those caught up in the sorrowful epidemic just referred to. And that fact is so prominent that modern thinking has come to view the Christian faith as powerless, even somehow archaic, at the very least irrelevant...

There is a deep longing among Christians and non-Christians alike for the personal purity and power to live as our hearts tell us we should. What we need is a deeper insight into our practical relationship with God in redemption. We need an understanding that can guide us into constant interaction with the Kingdom of God as a real part of our daily lives.

"...for God to have our full attention so that intimacy with Him glows from within and can be seen by others as a passion that is authentic. He wants no mere show of religion but a passionate spirituality, where God still does miraculous things through His people- often in spite of us- where God reveals His will in ways that are full of mystery and surprise and wonder. A humble spirituality that leaves us, the clay, willingly soft and malleable in the hands of the Potter, our sovereign God." 

"...I want depth; I don't want heights. I want substance; I don't want speed. I want fulfillment in my walk with Christ, not just talk about fulfillment. I want to be able to think theologically and biblically, not be entertained with theological theories and biblical stories." 

"Christianity and its goal, Christlikeness, have a person in mind: Christ! What sets Christian spiritual activity apart from all other religions is that they have knowledge of Christ as their goal; not to moral perfection (although you will become more moral), not tranquility (although your life will become remarkably more peaceful)." 

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him- that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding [the wonders of His Person] more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which exerts over believers]; and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, (Philippians 3:10, The Amplified Bible, Expanded Edition). 

"When you pray, pray so that you may know Him. When you seek to simplify, do it as a means of knowing Him more. When you surrender, or behave with humility or sacrifice, do it with the sole purpose in mind to know Him" 

No Sacrifice

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to


To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine


Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine


This is no sacrifice

Here's my life



To you I give the gifts
Your love has given me


How can I hoard the treasures that you've designed for free?



Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine


Your words are deeper than mine


Your love is stronger than mine


This is no sacrifice

Here's my life



To you I give my future


As long as it may last


To you I give my present


To you I give my past



Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine


Your words are deeper than mine


Your love is stronger than mine


Your thoughts are higher than mine


Your words are deeper than mine


Your love is stronger than mine


This is no sacrifice


Here's my life

You are SO GOOD!!!!

hopefully not a typical day in la jolla

i reeeeeally need to do laundry... i am running out of clothes to wear. and towels.
but it's hard to find that 1 hour and 30 min gap during the day! and when i do, people are always using the laundry machines... sigh.

today i walked from revelle to price to OVT back to price to ERC. because my ID got bent and does not go through the cafeteria things. but then i found out that it's only in sixth college. so i guess i can't buy myself food works food. anyways... then i treated myself to a shuttle ride from ERC to Muir, got my 2nd wrong math textbook @ the muir office, i felt pretty unproductive and tired at this point.

i decided to skip my first class in college... actually... in ucsd. in de anza i have skipped... eheh. but it was just a one unit class.

then i intended to take a nap for 20 minutes but took one for 30 minutes instead, it was hard getting myself up but got to my first guitar class!!! the teacher is really nice. i like him. it literally is a basic guitar class, which is a good thing i guess, because i literally am a beginner. i am excited.

and as i have promised myself to be productive today, for i have done almost zero work yesterday and had only 1 class where i completely zoned off in... but then i failed my promise :( :( like now. guilt guilt guilt


current goals:
1) catch up with math hw and start studying for fri quiz
2) catch up with chem like crazy and start studying for fri quiz
3) catch up with ethnic studies reading
4) practice guitar
5) go to the gym at least few times during the month and make the most out of that $95 recreation fee
6) call home more often, write letters/postcards
7) get a job on campus and save for a canon rebel xsi
8) walk to the beach in the morning. i am ashamed to admit i still have not gone once.

<3 !!!

week 1.

things i have gotten used to: 

- walking. a lot. 

- waking up when everyone else is still sleeping (i like this) 

- hearing korean as i'm walking 

- my macbook. i feel weird using pc's now 

- walking up and down 4 flights of stairs (my building has no elevator :l ) 

- constantly seeing new faces

- forgetting names, seeing names on contact list that i don't remember

- hearing cars blasting music (right in front of parking lot)... one just passed by haha

- seeing people studying! everywhere. @ library walk, @ libraries, in front of class, on the lawns, at cafeterias, coffee shops

- walking out of my way to avoid running into bikers

- and long boarders 

- being sleep-deprived