In My Quirkiness He is Strong

I was woken up today at Biomed by my... burp. Uh huh, my burp. I was falling asleep on a table not long after I opened the textbook. I wasn't even tired. At least not physically. As embarassing as it was (maybe not... it probably sounded louder to my ears than to others even at the dead quiet library)... my head felt refreshed from the short unintentional nap. When I put my head down like that on tables, I tend to get burp-y... Is that just me? I usually don't burp much either... Anyways. I was reminded of how parents wait until their baby burps before they allow them to sleep. 

Now that I think about it, I don't really know why babies need to burp before they sleep. It probably has to do with their digestive system not being as developed as ours. 

Maybe, to be able to rest peacefully in His arms, He needs to get some 'burps' out of me... There are so many things, even in just a day, that I seem to consume, whether it'd be a thought or a role I think I need to play. This is still a revelation in progress... 

To have the confidence and the freedom to be a burping baby. Puahah. The power is in the confidence as His child. Yeah, we are given authority, but only because we are His children. The power is in knowing who our Daddy is. 

The 'burps' that He wants to get out of me are probably all the false responsibilities or roles that are so easy for me to take on. He's been highlighting something about 'posture' to me the past week. I was able to pay attention to just the sounds of the wind, the waves, when I laid my head flat on the ground at the cliffs, facing the sky. Away from all outside noises. Cars, helicopters, of me fidgeting. I couldn't quite hear the wind or the waves as clearly, I didn't know I could hear them so clearly, until I put myself into that posture. The winds were getting pretty strong but I felt like I was being... cradled. I felt safe. How do I put myself into that posture all the time? To put myself in the posture that He created me to be in. To just be held. Cradled. Away from the posture that may look like me rolling up my sleeves and saying okay God, let me do this for you... haha. 

...He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  -2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Except He told it this time as the phrase, "In my quirkiness, He is strong". Um... hahaha. What? But it must make sense. He is definitely teaching me how to be weak so He can be strong. He has definitely been encouraging me to just be myself. He notices and delights in all my 'quirks'.... actually He designed them in Himself.  He knows me pretty darn well. And I am weak. No matter how strong others may view me as. Being myself means being weak. 

It was a pretty heavy morning. But He is on His throne as He has ever been and will be. He is the God who gives life and brings sunlight everyday. And every ray of sunlight that He gives is far more powerful than any measure of darkness. That's how we see. 

I am such a weakling, it's pathetic. Biking is not supposed to make you this air-headed and sore. Even if the bike has no gears. I am motivated though. Until the day I can freely ride uphill... and I definitely appreciate this cute cruiser that my generous friend is letting me use.

Speaking of pathetic... maybe it's how pathetic puppies or kittens can look at times, maybe just a bit, that makes them even cuter or stirs up something in your heart and want you to hold them forever. Not drawing this connection with my first pathetic illustration. The first one is just sad. 

But maybe I'm going somewhere with this post. 

Something about having a broken spirit stirs God's heart deeply. More than anything else. 

 ¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) 

In some ways, for me at least... it's easier for me to feel the things on His heart for the poor, the homeless, those who I may never come in contact with but I know live in such a different world than my bubble... but they are not the only brokenhearted, and the crushed in spirit. There are definitely such people who are very much brokenhearted and crushed in spirit close in my proximity, even if I may not be aware. Or I might get a sense, but it's harder for me to truly feel the things on His heart for them. Why? 

Am I not convinced that He is their only hope? That there are other things that they could fall back on. When in truth, they are only barriers if they are fooled to think that they could 'fall back on them'. Is that why it's harder for them to feel that the LORD is close to them? Harder for me to see that He longs to be close to them? 

My desire is to feel the burdens on Your heart. But to know that You are on Your throne and not to acknowledge anything less than that. How does that look like, Abba... 

Your desire is to take me deeper. Yes, it delights You that I want to lean close to You and dare to put my ears so closely to hear Your heartbeat. But You need me to be a baby. In order for me to be able to listen. I need to be convinced that I am just Your baby. That You don't require me to be anything else. Actually... such posture is only possible when I let myself be a baby. To be held, and be cradled. To have childlike confidence in Your love for me. The most powerful thing I have ever experienced.

It's reassuring, though. Whenever I look back... or whenever I hear somebody tell me how much I've grown, especially in my boldness... I just look at them and think. Dang. It's funny how that works is because if I've grown in any direction, it's in my neediness. It's in my dependence on Him, and freedom to be, yeah, His baby. And sometimes I might do something bold but it's really not. All I know is that He wants to show His love and that He wants to set who He is or what He is about straight. 

It's not about knowing all the details of how You work. Or what You are doing. But You yearn for us to know You.  You also have a desire to be known and understood. 

So it really is a win-win situation. I actually need to be a baby. To be able to understand You deeply. I think I can do that. I think I can be pretty good at it. I've been pretty good at it recently... so why is it that right now, with everything that is going on, with 'so much' on my plate (but I don't really think about this. Which sometimes the enemy lies to me that's being irresponsible and foolish.But the truth is it's far more foolish to keep your eyes on the plate instead of on His face or even just the flowers in the field), it seems to be pretty challenging to be just that. A baby. 

Not to say that You are frustrated with me. I think I'm doing all right... and You know all the reasons why it's challenging for me. 

You have such an upside down Kingdom. 

You see me.

You know where I am. 

It's the most comforting thing. 

You know where You will take me. 

It's the most exciting thing. 

and You know me. 

It's the most powerful thing...

speechless.

From: unni Sama

Dude. I just learned 

smthng priceless from the bible. 

john 8:32.......

From: unni Sama

Its exactly what i needed 

and exactly what umma and appa need!!! 

From: unni Sama

Ok am i frkng u out? qq

maybe too much coffee.. i 

hav midterm at two 

To: unni Sama

No ur making me smile really wide. havent looked 

up the verse though. 

walking home. God is so good. 

ill be praying for ur midterm

From: unni Sama

Its 'Then u will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free' 

From: unni Sama

I just feel that knowing the truth will solve all the 

problems i have. and i understand how 

ppl would feel like when they know God? 

i don't know how to put these in words. 

Yeah... that's my sister. 

You are ridiculous.

You knew this would be my next blog post. 

You really love me.

:you are very different culturely wise, probably now more like a san diegoian
::haahahah
::hmm how so?
:just seem different from before
:much more out spoken
:confident
:and happy
::wow
::haha sweet... it's all from Him
:yes!
:thats the best part
:haha
:: :)...

You know what things mean a lot to me

and You show it in a way that I could not have imagined

What to say...

He has been... He is doing so much. 

When people ask me, "how are you doing?" or "what have you been up to?" or even "what has He been showing you...?". Sometimes I wish they could scan my brain, read my heart, and I wouldn't have to do the talking. I used to think a lot about how I wished everyone could just see through everyone's thoughts. Then things would not be as complicated. But that's kinda different. And now I don't think I would like that anymore. Although I have become more open and vulnerable since then. 

But He helped me process, He always does. And today, almost unconsciously, I told my friend that He has been "refining and re-defining my definition of love, closer to His, by shaking up my relationships". 

Yeapp... 

He has granted the desires of my heart, and He knows it inside-out... He knows how I long to find security in relationships. Much of my journey acknowledging Him to be who He is has been trusting Him with all sorts of awkward ones, trusting that I'm not the awkward one... and much of my praises and awe of His beauty have flown from Him doing ridiculous things with the deepest-wounded, most hopeless relationships. 'Complicated' ones. Nowadays, I feel almost like an audience watching my relationships (I actually would not call all of them relationships either... Like, really... I don't have a relationship with all of my friends on Facebook. I guess the more correct term is people I have...crossed paths with at some point) as He unfolds, directs, allows, moves them around. Some are flourishing. Actually, this group is the smallest. Some are fading... Mostly ones at home, which begins a battle fighting guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Some are emerging. Let's fight anxiety... I ask Him to give me wisdom to discern which ones He wants me to invest in, and peace and freedom to meet more new faces. Faith and His compassion to genuinely want to know their stories and tell them about His for them. Some are coming back into my life out of nowhere. They can't be of anything else but Him pursuing them and their deep need for Him, He shows me. Some are struggling... This is where He has been especially waking me up to His definition of love (the phrases we say about His love all the time... they're not ideal definitions, they're the only real ones). Some are not even relationships.. but oh the strangers You bring... or used-to-be-strangers. 

It's definitely not that I feel like an audience because I don't care about them. It's a battle to be free from guilt, anxiety, sadness, frustration... to let go of 'control' and let Him tell me that my identity is solely defined by one relationship. Nor do how my relationships are going tell me how I am doing... not even if I'm doing okay with my relationship with Him... Puhaha... I am definitely not in control... He has clearly been telling me 'Why are you trying to play me...?' , not in a stern way, but a "Soomin... you are so silly" way... 

This is turning out to be longer than I thought, and I have not been studying for the past few hours for my math quiz tomorrow morning. But I have been cramming Organic Chemistry like there is no tomorrow for the past 3 days T_T... Anyways...

Fleeting... is the favor of men... I am sure it is amongst many in the book of Ecclesiastes... ahah... and not even the awesome relationships I have between people and myself, the ones Himself blesses and is pleased by,  is comparable to the relationship that I desire to encourage them to find and pursue with Him. The goal of any of my relationships should be that... 

Writing this, looking back, and looking at what is ahead of me right now in terms of  what this post has been about... there's been lots of emotions involved. Or could have been, could involve, but I think it means I'm doing pretty all right that more than my emotions or how I feel about where a certain relationship is going, who He is revealing Himself to be (He is love Himself), how He is getting me from my definition to His, and being humbled and awed at Him building a stronger and stronger foundation in my identity as His beloved daughter is what brings joy to my heart, at the end of the day. Oh. And in the morning. :) 

I want to live before Your eyes, 

I want to stay before Your gaze. 

Just keep me steady, here. 

...I want to make a statement, every time I pause, from the 'hectic' agenda, that You are sovereign. That You are the one meeting people. Not me. That You are the one orchestrating all these beautiful revelations of who You are. That You are the one who brought me to San Diego. That um... You are the one who is moving on this campus. 

...I also want to make a statement, every time I pause for a stranger, a friend, a professor, an apartmentmate. That that's who Jesus is. That You would stop all agendas, even what's going on in Your heart, Your mind, Your traffic of emotions. Just so that You can show them love. That is Your agenda though, all the time. 

Your will is always to love. You did everything out of love... and when the end goal is just that- to love- it never fails. 

I walked into Plaza Cafe to buy my ice cream that I was really excited to eat watching the sunset at the cliffs, and this guy (probably a freshman) was whistling the tune of "Our God is an Awesome God". I made eye contact with him, and after he walked away, I continued the song. 

Currently...

I'm a little overwhelmed. And it's easy to say that it's because... and it does start with me feeling behind. Honestly whenever I come in and see my apartmentmates using their molecules kit for O Chem, I am reminded with this anxious feeling that I have not touched the textbook yet. And then of course I'm reminded of the other classes, how I need to pull my act together this quarter for my parents... wonder what my apartment-mates think of me because they hardly see me being a 'student'... needing to spend more time with them... then that opens a whole another door... I start feeling short. 

Yeah... I feel short of time, resources, emotional strength, abilities, and hit with realities that I can't control how other people feel. Or think. Am I doing okay? I feel like I'm not being a good enough daughter. I feel like I'm not really a great apartment-mate, I need to be around more... etc. 

Man. If I really sit down. And think about all the things that I feel like I should be doing more of or be there more for... it sure piles up. 

On the other hand, I could sit down, and think about all the things that He has made known to me that He is handling. 

My only role on this campus, in my family, in my apartment, wherever I go. Is to be His beloved daughter. 

My job is not to fill others' needs. 

Only to be filled myself.

I am not in control of the first nor am I responsible for that. 

It's not being selfish but acknowledging that I am not God and yielding so that He can make Himself known... This can be hard, but He knows why and I fully believe that it is only Him who can meet us wherever we are and that when He does, He completely fills us up. So we don't have to go around looking to be filled by others for the things they can't. 

God I need Your grace to live in this truth today. In this freedom that You've been so eager to give me. And I know is what I've been yearning for. I've been tasting in the past couple weeks. 

And You've just shown me two days ago what happens when I do yield to this truth. Even though I couldn't quite see it for an year or two, I trusted You.  You know how much it means to me. You would remind me at this point... Thank You..

Being in the secret place is not a place to remove myself from others' lives or the world, but the most involved I'll ever be. Because it's the place I'll be most near and in tune with Your heart, and both of those things are for sure in Your heart. A lot more fit in Yours than mine. And I also get to acknowledge who You are and who I am. And I get to be filled. You've shown me too much that it's about what flows out from my heart, not what I try to muster up from it. 

Man I really have nothing to offer by myself HAha. And I am glad. 

I really liked today.

Even though I am really behind in my classes. 

1. I was very precise in my timing to drink my coffee. 4 hours prior to o chem lecture. And it was delicious. 

2. I went to Perk's. 

3. He got me again through the bleeding woman passage. 

4. Tomorrow I am going to OneThing LA! 

5. My friend offered to let me borrow her O Chem textbook so I don't have to spend $100 on it. God is so good to me. 

6. I finally ordered guacamole in my sandwhich. After hesitating and regretting not including it in my last 2 orders. 

7. I decided I like Foodworx (though I don't like to spell it with an x). Their salad bar is yummy! Wraps mmm. 

8. I liked last night. 

9. Ryan's talk was very very refreshing. 

10. My birthday friend visited my room and totally blessed me through what she said about how she thinks about how her mom went through so much to give birth to her. Seriously. Who thinks about that and calls their parents to thank them?? 

11. I was supposed to get my bike from my friend today but it didn't fit in her car, but that's okay. 

12. I decided I like all of my professors. My chemistry professor looks like a basketball coach: He's very chill, great lecturer, pretty funny, and I payed attention through 90% of lecture. I am proud of myself. My spanish TA is very expressive though intimidating at times. I noticed language teachers are often stylish. My music professor is a very interesting man. He walked from one end of California to the other just listening to all kinds of sounds. And I like my math professor's accent and he's very nice too. 

13. In music class he was talking about how greater and further away the journey (from the beginning of the piece to the 'return home' near the end of the piece), the greater the celebration, and I totally thought back on Ryan's talk last night (prodigal son). 

14. I had a seat in that class. And I was at least 5 minutes early to all classes. I think. 

15. I looked up randomly at the sky in Warren and it was super pretty. Today was a pretty day in general.

16. I am not too tired right now. Amazingly. This is good because I need to stay up. 

17. I ran into a lot of pleasant people =) 

18. I made a haiku last night, inspired by a friend, and I thought about it and was pleased: 

Hippoppotamus

You drink a lot of water

Like me I do too

edit:: 

19. I still can't do ponytails but I can do headbands now.

20. This is my first view when I come out from our apartment in the morning: 

Dear God,

You are moving on this campus. 

I am astonished. 

God- I want to see Your dreams for this campus fulfilled. 

This traffic of people- each of them is a sparkle in Your eye. 

Your sons and daughters that You will not relent until 

You have all of their hearts. 

LORD Give me a heart to intercede for this campus- 

What You feel about it when You see the broken parts of it. 

Thank You for this morning with R-

Thank You for pursuing her- 

Revealing Your intentionality and Your love for her... 

God, I ask that You don't stop. 

That not only will You reveal the 'thing' that she suspects 

may be keeping her from taking that leap of faith 

to take Your invitation, but also so much more than that. 

Touch her in a way that she will know that it can't be 

anything less than the living GOD who wants her 

to walk with You every step. Every step of healing, 

every step of revelation. 

God I realize what an honor and blessing it is 

to feel the things in Your heart

including the burdens You have for this campus

more so yearnings. 

Because You know and anticipate what's on the other side. 

Thank You for letting me see that people are hungrier 

and more seeking and open, than ever. 

There are so many people who are specifically craving those things. 

God, I, for one, have an unsatiable yearning for all things 

that You offer through knowing You- 

intimacy, purpose, identity- 

it is You at the core of these things

and only You who can- 

This I am sure for everybody on this campus. 

God, increase our confidence, our passion, to help others 

realize this truth. 

I guess that's a very teeny glimpse of Your relentless love 

that You have for this campus. 

May they be able to see and proclaim themselves, 

bow down and worship You. 

You are a Person. You are alive, 

You love. Oh how You love... 

You are so wise, sovereign- 

Anything- whether it'd be misconceptions,

hurts or baggages from the church, 

humanism, any other strongholds 

won't you just make them so weak 

as You reveal Your very Person- 

Your personality, what You are about, 

Your kingdom- 

to each person who may still be affected, 

chained, ruled by these things. 

That every tongue, nation, will see that You are GOD 

confess that You are LORD. 

I love interceding for our campus, Father- 

For my family, and my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

I love that I can be free to love them in such a way, 

at the same time know that Your burden is light and easy. 

Thank You for making Your presence and Your fingerprints so evident. 

I want whatever I feel, burdened with, think about

to be a result of being with You, 

listening to Your heart 

I want to be at the secret place every day. 

All the time would be good. 

=) 

9/29/09