I feel like one of the greatest lies that the enemy likes to tell us is that our days don’t matter… or don’t matter as much as they really do. What we choose to do, what we choose not to do… wait to do… that we can only be passive consumers of whatever mood we are surrounded by in our environment… that everyday we just go through the same things… without making much of a difference in anything… not doing this won’t have too much of an impact… someone else will do it… and a popular one for me -_-: I’ll do it later.

Once he gets us to enter this cycle, we end up at a vulnerable place for other lies as well.

It’s funny because I think most of us like to see tangible ‘progress’ or ‘impact’ in things- and the way we measure progress/impact is for example, being able to see the weight that you’re losing, the A’s showing up in your transcript… not that these things are bad… but I feel like our eyes are much more closed to our ability to make lasting impact. Really. We’re talking eternity.

Cleaning has the ability to change the mood of the environment- the mood of the people dwelling in the environment- Exercising/eating healthy is an investment to your health (my mom likes to say that right now, I’m investing into my health in my 30’s, since I’m in my… twenties o_o) - it also releases endorphins, it literally makes you feel better. At least after the exercise is over, ahha (I can’t relate as much to this analogy, as I can hardly get myself to exercise). Studying… you should be able to relate what it does. Haha. It builds knowledge. It makes all these pretty fascinating connections between your neurons. Learning in general also increases your ability to appreciate. Heh. That’s something I love.

But praying… Bahh. Do we really believe and expect that every time we get ourselves to listen, wait on His truths, it shifts everything in your heart? That it reminds you of who you are, His beloved, your sole identity? That it allows you to be filled with His love, and leak only that, not other things you would be filled with if you haven’t been with Him (popular ones for me are anxiety and self-pity)… If so, why am I not going to His feet before anything else? Especially when I’m anxious and see myself falling into self-pity…

Reading the Word… His truths, His dreams, His desires. Interceding… Proclaiming His truths, His dreams, His desires… Like how He said ‘let there be light’ and it came to be.

I think another popular lie that has correlation to the previous one is that seeking Him is not exciting, at least less exciting than the activities we’d rather do in that time. And I’m writing from personal experience/struggles too… But really… Why does it seem like at that moment that browsing the web is more exciting than getting to interact with the Creator of everything good. Hmm. I think the enemy likes to deceive us to think God is a lot less appealing than He truly is. Because if there was nothing in the way of our sight from seeing Him for who He is, it would be too powerful of an attraction- that I can only describe as magnetic- except that it’s more powerful than any force that we can imagine- definitely more than magnetic, more than gravity, even more than the greatest passion that we have ever witnessed in anyone- then Satan is screwed. But our hearts are designed to long for God in every way…

I think we think that ‘interesting lives’ are ‘eventful’- at least that’s what Korean dramas, movies, the latest news about celebrities, our statuses, tells us. This post is kind of going everywhere, haha, in the beginning, I started making a list of ‘Things That Always Make Things Better but Are Not Necessarily Easy to Get Yourself to do’ for… fun. Anyways, what can be more eventful than listening to what the Creator is thinking??? What He thinks of you? That He wants you to express His dreams? That He can’t wait to bring this certain character into your life story that He’s writing? How He feels about that lady sitting down in front of Lucky’s in the cold, even though there’s maybe one or two people who ever stop to care about the organization that changed her life?

I am going to go through today with my eyes and ears wide open.

my utmost for his highest: gracious uncertainty

. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2 Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been. Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1  ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him. from CJ's old xanga.  CJ- I am excited to talk to you about things when we meet again. I wish I could have known you more deeply- not just through glimpses of who you are through your more contemplative posts... I could always relate to some very much, and I think we appreciate similar things... Anyways, can't wait. =)

If only

I can't... Or I don't want to... say it... because I don't want to offend anyone... when I don't mean to /when they don't really know. And it's not that there aren't beautiful things going on, even here. It's definitely not to shrink His presence and faithfulness- But I'm just going to say it.

Home isn't home for me. 

'Home sweet home'... This phrase is so foreign to me. When my friends say, "I can't wait to go home!"... I can't relate... but of course I'm not going to tell them that... And I fight against the direction of self-pity to start comparing families and homes. Nope, definitely not the direction to go. Instead, I think to myself that in the future, I hope I can provide that home-y home for my kids. And dream. Not to say that my parents do not provide for me... They are so sacrificial in all their provisions and it humbles me over and over, the love that they show through them. 

But if only they were able to see the goodness that I am able to see in each of them, in each other. 

How can you grow so cold and bitter to not be able to see? How can you be so warm but so callous and cold-hearted when it comes to seeing this one thing- You are so stubborn to refuse to see this one thing... And let it affect everything that you do... But I don't dare to say this to you, even thinking this makes me feel guilty- how would I know, when I haven't gone through all that you've gone through. 

But I also see it clearly. It's been getting clearer and clearer as I allow myself to see and believe, and hope. 

It's like how I can't deny that God is a good God when I see the way He designed little birds to hop around... Random I know... But it's a specific reminder for me, personally. A big one is just looking at kids. Anyways... When I think back on how my dad and I had our hugging and sobbing experience in the garage, or a recent one- how when he saw me coming out of my car, he just took my hand and held it- without words, because he knows how I felt when I exited the house- I can't deny the goodness and beauty in this father, even the ones not expressed yet. 

If only you were able to see that. 

Mm. What better way is there to build trust... Than to not-be-in-control. Ahah. Duh Soomin...

Trying to take matters into my own hands vs. giving them over and over to Him...

Striving vs. surrendering.

Resting in His presence. 

You need to be rooted in His love and confident in His love for you (and others...) to be able to just... be. Blows my mind how counter-cultural this is. Yet it's one of the deepest longings of our hearts. That is definitely a taste of heaven to imagine a world where all these different roles, obligations, 'I need to-'s are taken off and people are content to just be. And because they are content to just be, they are content for others to just be. Man this sounds so abstract but at the same time, that is how God sees us! Past our titles, past our reputations, past our jobs, roles... and how He sees me... 

Losening my grip on things... whether it'd be school, ministry, relationships, reputation/image, 'roles',  finaces, even my understanding of where You're taking me- but instead to grow in anticipation and confidence in His goodness. All these things that 'mean a lot to me' for various reasons- but knowing that He knows how much they mean to me. Trusting really means to be confident that He knows me and will take good care of me. And He Himself means so much more to me than any of these things can ever mean. 

Mmm. Haha. I was hoping to blog when I would feel less cluttered... Be able to present something organized and tangible in my entry. But I don't think that's really going to happen soon... haha. Plus I sort of lack skills in that area. That's okay.

I guess what I want to say is that I know that this season that is wrapping up, still going on, Idk- was the most loving thing that He could do for me. He loves me so much that He would spend a whole quarter... and more to come I'm sure... grounding me in my identity in Him as solely His daughter. Peeling layers and layers of roles/responsibilities that I tend to take on depending on my environment/circumstances as a friend,  dorm team leader, student, leader at home church... It's okay for my first priority to just be with Him. Just as I am- not together. My priority is not to try to take control of all these ridiculous circumstances. That no matter what the world tells me, my culture tells me, even my thoughts tell me, that He lovess and delights in me being His baby... In just being.

Funny season for Him to teach me and stretch me in being an intercessor, too. But actually very clever and thoughtful of Him to, when I think about it. I really love how this book calls prayer the 'highest form of art' there is- And I realized that if (and I very much agree) prayer can be perceived as an art, then intercession can be seen as the expression of the Father's heart... Yeah... that reveals much about intercession and rest. The highest form of art. All artists want to and attempt to express something beautiful, that completely captivates them. Well, His heart is the most beautiful thing that I know there is, and captivates me like no other, and I would love to try to express it with whatever means I have.