If only

I can't... Or I don't want to... say it... because I don't want to offend anyone... when I don't mean to /when they don't really know. And it's not that there aren't beautiful things going on, even here. It's definitely not to shrink His presence and faithfulness- But I'm just going to say it.

Home isn't home for me. 

'Home sweet home'... This phrase is so foreign to me. When my friends say, "I can't wait to go home!"... I can't relate... but of course I'm not going to tell them that... And I fight against the direction of self-pity to start comparing families and homes. Nope, definitely not the direction to go. Instead, I think to myself that in the future, I hope I can provide that home-y home for my kids. And dream. Not to say that my parents do not provide for me... They are so sacrificial in all their provisions and it humbles me over and over, the love that they show through them. 

But if only they were able to see the goodness that I am able to see in each of them, in each other. 

How can you grow so cold and bitter to not be able to see? How can you be so warm but so callous and cold-hearted when it comes to seeing this one thing- You are so stubborn to refuse to see this one thing... And let it affect everything that you do... But I don't dare to say this to you, even thinking this makes me feel guilty- how would I know, when I haven't gone through all that you've gone through. 

But I also see it clearly. It's been getting clearer and clearer as I allow myself to see and believe, and hope. 

It's like how I can't deny that God is a good God when I see the way He designed little birds to hop around... Random I know... But it's a specific reminder for me, personally. A big one is just looking at kids. Anyways... When I think back on how my dad and I had our hugging and sobbing experience in the garage, or a recent one- how when he saw me coming out of my car, he just took my hand and held it- without words, because he knows how I felt when I exited the house- I can't deny the goodness and beauty in this father, even the ones not expressed yet. 

If only you were able to see that.