On a lighter note...

- Yay for being an early bird! $6 without tax :) 

- Joseph Gordon-Levitt is really cute. haha. Architecture is awesome.

- I almost (honestly) watched this movie because I love Zooey Deschanel's style.

- Don't want to spoil the movie for people who haven't watched it, but yeah. 'This is not a love story'

- Real life? How would I know. But certainly not how it could be, in real life.

 -The previews at CineArts seem much more interesting than the previews at AMC. 

- I think I enjoy just as much the after-thoughts and feelings about a movie as much as actually watching it. 

- Actually, yeah. I borrowed 3 movies from the library 3 weeks ago and have not watched one until last night. And only because I couldn't sleep.

- I'm kind of 'lazy' to watch movies, does that make sense (seems kind of paradoxical, I know)? I end up doing other things, when it doesn't completely hold my attention. So I hardly watch movies out of theatres. 

-I would love to take a film class, though.

Truths to proclaim over self: 

-Your faith can never be an 'act', nor does the fact that you're broken implicate that you don't really believe Jesus to be who He is, just because of your circumstances. It can't be an act. Because your faith is a result of those hardships. And you should overcome the fear, be confident in sharing, because they not only make up your faith but they're what have brought it to where it is. 

-Don't ever feel guilty about pursuing Jesus. 

-His Kingdom is about restoration. Making Him known. Encouraging others towards the invitation by the Uncreated, personally, themselves. His kingdom is found amongst healings; more than physical, spiritual. It's not about going witnessing the most amount of healings, hearing the most amount of prophecies, having the most knowledge about how He's 'advancing His kingdom'... it's about what you DO with what you see, hear, are convicted of. That's when the Kingdom really comes through. 

-Such as sobbing with your dad in the garage moment. Such as the deep compassion that is surely not yours for your mom. Realizing how much you (should) appreciate her. How much she is worth in His eyes.

-love Him for His heart, and let Him know.

-always remember, He's a Person

Today my dad and I hugged and cried together in the garage. 

And it felt good. 

I told him I'd just like to be alone 

But he still came and found me

He said he was sorry. 

That we have to hurt because of what he did. 

I said don't blame yourself. 

I said don't burden yourself with more burdens. 

Even though realistically, or maybe the me before, would say, some parts of it is his fault. 

It didn't matter. 

It doesn't matter.

I told him that I'll be okay, that I'm so sure, 

that even when I was crying to myself and trying to question God, 

I couldn't deny this confidence- 

It was as if He was protecting me from all the possible lies 

It really didn't make sense. 

I think that is His protection. 

I told him, but it's just that I can't be strong 

I can't be strong, I can't be strong 

But I need to be strong, I need to be strong 

For him, for mom, for my sister

and I am scared that me letting him see me like this 

will somehow make our situation seem more hopeless 

which does not at all, it really doesn't 

He started sobbing. 

I've never seen him crying- or more so- heard him sob. 

Felt him sob. 

We cried together. 

He held me. 

I let myself be held. 

I let myself cry.

He said you don't have to be strong, 

Come to Appa when you hurt.

You can't hold it together on your own. 

Those were words I was hungry for 

For a long time

Then I started patting him 

I  told him "He loves you..." 

I knew that He loved him

"I am sure, I am sure... "

"It will be worth it-" 

All I know is that that was one of the most beautiful things I experienced. 

You take my mourning, turn it into dancing...

The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

- Romans 8:18-28

"So, to rest in the Lord means basically that the obstsacle to the relationship is removed and the striving is over. I don't need to fight to gain God's attention. I already have His favor and will walk favorably with Him in the adventure of developing a personal relationship...

...Many people work for God's attention and favor instead of learning to work with God because of His favor. They become so exhausted working for Him that there's little strength left to work with Him when He opens the doors for significant service...

...Because Jesus is my righteousness, I am already accepted. From that acceptance comes favor, and that favor gives birth to authentic Christlike works of service. I serve from Him, not merely for Him. This simple progression really is the key to ministry. This was the model that Jesus gave us. He only did what He saw His Father do and said what He heard His Father say...

...Mary wasn't a nonworker. Rather she was beginning to be like her Master, who only did what He saw the Father do. Jesus was talking, so Mary set aside other distractions and sat down to listen. She was learning that working from His presence is much more effective than working for His presence." 

Mmmmmm...

You are so good to me. 

So good so good. 

You love me. 

Hehe. 

I spotted this only a couple days ago. How could I not see it before?? Or was it even there until a few days ago?? My mom noticed it the day after I did, too: 

One of them finally flowered!!! The summer bulbs I planted in February. Not this past but the February before. Wowww. Kind of strange why it took over an year for it to flower..? The other three are still flowerless. But still. And when I purchased the bulbs, I thought I was buying white ones... but it's... pink? At least one of them. Oh well.

They used to be just like that... 

Hehe. 

Hehe. 

Again, You speak to me in the way I understand. 

I want to be, at least a speck of light. When He sees where I am. 

and... the way I am. I would be most frustrated if I fail to be one, or a weaker one than He desires. 

But who am I to judge what He sees? 

Oh... boy. Who am I to judge what He sees... 

Was searching for a 'candle' image on Flickr and found this: 

There is not enough darkness in all the world to put out the light of even one candle.

 Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle is not shortened.

His truths and who He is is not... hidden. But it amazes me... It's like a treasure hunt. Intentionally placed and expressed. Like, when God made fire, the concept of light... all the chemistry, all its significance, the art- He knew that we'd be marveling at it and how it points back to the Creator's characteristics. And He was thinking of and designing and expressing in all its precisions to make it what it is. How it is. to show who He is. 

One of the things I find it extremely difficult to see- sorry. Is how can you not see a Creator???? The more you study. Not just science. Art. Music. People. Everythangggg

I could really stare at candles forever. Confession. I have a fascination with fire/light. Haha. I would play with fire. Teheh

VENT

I think I'm allowed to vent once in a while. To my blog. Yes? Please.?

But I can't. ;alskdfjal;sd.kl;sd.d;sdfljk.s;lasdjk. 

My thoughts and "logic" keep me from expressing what I am feeling. I almost said faith. 

Now that is silly. Hahaha.

How do you vent to Him? How does that look like. If the comfort is in knowing that He knows, even feels, all my internal everything's... 

Something so powerful in someone being able to "relate". 

Vice versa, something so powerful in knowing that someone can't. 

...But then I believe it's even more powerful, to know that it's beyond being able to relate. 

정말 힘들다... 싫다. 너무 너무 싫다. 그냥. 싫어. 

I said before that it takes faith to be broken. 

Come on... you said so yourself. 

Come on Soomin. Why can't you just be.

Yearning

As I've been reading this book... I was (actually, surprisingly... but this reveals something in itself) most challenged in this question: "how hungry am I for God?" 

"I want more of You, at any cost." 

And as I was contemplating on pain... The controversies that I didn't even know existed about the role of pain. How God looks at pain. Driving, listening to On Fire by Switchfoot, missing my highway exit twice. Trying to make connections... 

Well. All I know is that I want them to meet Jesus. Healer. Really, meet Him. It surely is the only way.

It hit me, that yearning is a part of hungering for Him. 

"You can't hunger for something that doesn't exist."

If there is anything in the world that you want more and more of, the more you know it... it is Him. 

We yearn, but we might not even know. 

I enjoy driving near golden hills and listening to Mueller. 

and singing along KEKE my car has music again! 

I went on this today. Haven't since couple years ago at Great America. 

I remember the first time I went on it, it was scarier than it looked. 

Today, me and another girl were the oldest ones there (she made this comment). 

It was still a little scary at times, but enjoyed it! I think I've been craving a sort of... refreshing sensation. 

I would like a bike! And I want to ride it around and feel like I am flying! Since I am not capable of having this sensation when I run, at least not with the current 'fitness' -_-.  Still, there is something refreshing about running in the breezy summer evenings, which I need to convince my body to catch up with my mind. 

And. I read a lot today. First book I am more than half way through. It's... it's... yeah. It's a book where I want to keep keep on reading but I need to rest a day or two to process a chapter.

Something that really fascinates me is how God brings people into your life. In the most random and unique ways. It really awes me when I realize that my most cherished relationships I have are with people whom I would not have expected our relationship to be where it is when I first met them. Also, He really likes to reveal Himself and His kingdom through strangers (well, in the beginning... were strangers). Haha. And, I think it's awesome when you haven't kept in touch with a friend much , but you can start chatting, updating, and it just takes off. I think it's because you know that the bond you share and how your lives are intertwined is much more than human efforts to keep in touch. It definitely helps when there is a greater understanding of why your lives might have intertwined. I am reminded of how my youth pastor says that what seems to keep a 'friendship together' among people in general seems to be the things you have in common with them- whether it'd be a hobby, interests, extracurriculars, a class, someone you don't like, a crush (wait no... this usually doesn't work ahhaha), where you live... and those things are most likely to change sometime. Anyways. This is one of the things I like to ponder and appreciate a lot about. The way He comes to the picture for the last part, I mean. 

and this has become one of the many fluid-y posts. Eh. I've been trying to be more structured with my posts, but I end up being... fluid-y a lot. 

What is He really inviting us into?

"We may all be able to change what we think about, but only God can give us a new perspective on reality. In particular, only He can build a paradigm in our thinking in which we live for and form a relationship with Him instead of going through religious notions and being content simply to know about Him." 

How do you respond correctly to His invitation? 

You might not even know, when you're being content simply knowing about Him. 

He always needs to expand your view of who He is first... 

He most likely is, through whatever you are going through. 

Because He's definitely not content with you simply knowing about Him. 

Even though I addressed this entry with "you"-s, this is really personal. I think this might be the question for me this summer. What is He really inviting me into? 

I just kind of wasted a lot of time making this personal mosaic thing. But I remember wanting to do this whenever I saw it on people's facebook notes in the school year and grew sad because I couldn't :(... haha. So here it is, looking more colorful than I'd like, but I had to play by the rules! (basically, go to this website, search your answers on flickr and pick an image from the first page). 

1. what is your name? 

2. what is your favorite color ?

3. favorite food? 

4. favorite drink? 

5. dream vacation?

6. favorite hobby?

7. what do you want to be when you grow up? 

8. what do you love most in life? 

9. one word to describe you? 

You not only bring out the best in me, but always... see the best in me.... at a whole new level.

Seeing the best in people... Calling out the best in people. 

So I'll be honest... The past week has been pretty hard. My mom and I did not speak to one another for a couple days. You know what's funny though? So the night that we had an argument, around a week ago- There is tension in the car. I get out of the passenger seat. Get into my camry. Can't go into the house because of my cat Mochi's flea problem that led us to disinfect the house, which required waiting for a couple of hours. So I call up an old friend at 11 PM. Ask if she wanted to watch a movie, and end up watching Transformers (which I am not a fan of at all, and I thought it was just cheesy and bad. Sorry) at good old AMC 14 because Cupertino Square had a power outage that day. It is almost 2 AM as I am returning home, and guess who I see on the road, very likely coming out from the same movie from the same place... My mom. Hahahaha. I have yet to confirm this, because now we are talking. Anyways that was so unnecessary. But funny. I hope you laughed. 

Usually those awkward yet amusing moments would be enough to break up the tension as we just burst out laughing. Not this time... I won't go into details but I just couldn't even spend more than a good hour with my mom without getting upset or feeling hopeless. Deep. Deep wounds..

I became so frustrated with how inadequate and helpless I felt. I was. I am. Disparities between whom I've wanted to show Him to be to her and how I can't even gaze at her face and listen. Then it spiraled into feeling inadequate for the things that He called me into, that He desires to do in me... Bam. Paralyzed. 

I really did not like how I was, how I felt when I was not with Him. Not walking with Him closely. As I got inside my car, I tried to remind myself some of the things that my mentors, people He has placed as blessings in my life, have told me, tried to call out the better things in me... There is something so powerful in that.  

Then it hit me that He always sees the best in me. No matter how I am feeling about myself or how I am feeling in general... He always sees me in the way that I would be when I am with Him. And when I am walking with Him is when I am at my best, that's for sure.  What truly blows my mind is... even when I am not feeling so close to Him, He sees the best in me. Which is how I would be, when I am walking with Him. And He longs for that, so much. Always for the ways He intended things to be. 

I think He is showing me at the same time, a bit more into what it means to see people through His eyes. Something about this phrase always resonated to me, and we use it quite frequently... But dang. I don't think I'll ever comprehend what that's like... The way the Creator and the Lover sees. Especially His most beloved creation. The subjects of His story. It's so foreign and out of this world. Yet hits home so hard when He shows you a glimpse. 

Correct my vision. I ask that You take me to that whole new level. Help me to constantly see how they would be if they were to be walking with You. If they were to step into the identities and callings You've had in store for them since forever. How You intended them to be, how they would be with You. My only role is to encourage them step into what You've already laid out before them... 

...Our dreams and our callings can't ever be TOO big or great. Because any calling that HE gives us, He doesn't expect us to do it ourselves. And we can't, out of our own strength, mind, heart, abilities anyways. So if we're going to, and meant to, carry them out with THE God, why not big?? Like freaking huge. :)