It is only from the place of place of grace that I can extend grace. It is only from the place where I am constantly receiving the love of the Father that I can just overflow. Then my heart is not affected, my heart is free, my heart is not consumed with any other threats.

It really doesn't matter when you're living from that place.

I am in love and loved by a man named Jesus. 

He asks me to put my hands on His nail-pierced wounds and see for myself. 

'See Soomin? I made sure you will never feel lonely or doubt the way I created you'. 

Would I be able to experience His liquid love? 

If I wasn't hurting? 

Liquid love- 

How could You be so hurt and misunderstood 

but still love the way You did? 

When people didn't see You at all? 

And how can You be the same GOD that 

we can't dare to lift up our faces, 

move our fingers, make one sound with our vocal cords, 

or even dare to feel anything in our hearts but fear and awe 

in Your presence? 

You lift Your voice, the earth melts. 

We are silenced by Your love. 

Our scars, our pride, our rights, our securities 

pale too quickly and completely 

in response to Your worthiness. 

My King, I can't move away from Your feet. 

Hurt.

I can't just cover it up. 

You see them. 

I've been hurting.

I am hurting. 

And what You're doing in my heart is more than 

just smiling. Saying that it's okay with my smile and maybe my words, 

but still feeling hurt. 

Returning to that hurt. 

It will take You. 

It will take You to scoop up all these things 

not so pretty things 

on the surface of my heart, now. 

Floating. 

You are about to do a new thing in my heart. 

I know, 

because I don't know what to do. Haha. 

I don't know how to love 

beyond what my heart knows how. 

It will take You. 

Lord, 

so I am admitting before You, 

I am hurt. 

Before I even try 

to take the thorns off of my own heart, 

that have been moving to my eyes, 

I really don't like thorns in my eyes... 

It blurs my vision from seeing You, 

seeing others,

and too much of myself.

I guess You know that I try to ignore the thorns in my heart, 

but that I can't ignore them as well in my eyes.

I admit before You, 

I am hurting... 

won't You come?

because all I know, at this point 

is that 

it will take You.

To be 'made' for someone

A romantic concept- 

The truth is, I was made for Your pleasure. 

___________________________

To become a lover of God, 

to speak face to face 

to know Your thoughts

to abide in Your love, 

in Your love for me 

to keep Your commands 

that I may be filled with joy 

To walk in the cool of the day with You, 

to gaze on the beauty of all You do, 

to meditate on the glorious splendor, 

I was made for You .

___________________________

I am actually made for You. 

For Your pleasure. 

It is not my responsibility to try to please everyone else. 

But to help them see that they too, are created to please You. 

And that they will be filled with joy, while they're at it. 

We can't help but be filled with joy in Your presence... 

Like C.S. Lewis says, "(You) cannnot give us a happiness and peace 

apart from (Yourself), because it is not there. There is no such thing."

Hehe. 

You are also most 'glorified' when we are most satisfied in You. 

Do we really know how You 'glorify' Yourself in the first place? 

Or is it something that we hear and just use, growing up in Asian churches? 

How does it look like ? How would you choose to 'glorify' Yourself? 

You surely do not need to try to glorify Yourself, because You are God. 

All of creation declares enough. 

You surely do not need more people to tell You that You are worthy, 

You have legions of angels surrounding Your throne. 

You surely did not choose to 'glorify' Yourself the way we expected You to, 

when You became one of us. 

So it must be something else... 

I think- 

I make You happy by being who You made me to be. 

Since I am made for You in the first place.

I think, that when I try to be anything else- 

anything more- 

try to fit others' needs- 

try to please others- 

try to play Your roles (ha.ha)

Not only is it impossible,

But I am deviating away from the original picture, 

rebelling against 

who You made me to be.

It robs me of the only purpose of my creation and being- to bring You joy, 

and also of the truth of who You are to me. 

It makes sense, 

because the enemy would love to rob, to steal, 

as much as possible, from us living in the truth-  

that being in Your presence is joyful. 

A joy that much of the world doesn't even know exists. 

That You delight in us.

We make you happy. More than anything else.

He has done enough to try to steal... 

Pleasing You is not by performance, 

but just being. 

The idea of pleasing You shouldn't lead to feelings of inadequacy, or feeling drained.

Neither should it make us picture a selfish God- 

because of the brokenness of this world, 

it's hard for us to picture a pure heart whenever the word 'pleasure' is used.

But it should give us the greatest confidence in the world, 

that our Heavenly Father loves to be with us, just as we are, 

just as He made us to be.

He made us for His pleasure, afterall. 

It is a lie that I am only hurting others by being myself.

It is a lie that I am always going to feel isolated because of the first lie.

I refuse to fall into the pit of self-pity, hopelessness, into my old identity.

I am not going to be impressed by his tactics, 

because I have a God who can take anything and make it beautiful. 

Not only redeems, but uses anything, even ugly things, to turn it around, 

and to magnify His beauty. 

I've seen this characteristic of You, 

many times. =)

All I need to know is that I was made for You, in the first place. 

Not for others.

Thank You for wanting to ground me in this truth- 

and thank You for letting me know that my heart is far from pure... 

Pure = holy. 

Long way to go =)... But I'm in.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to be Your hands and feet. I want to feel Your groanings for Your people on this campus. I want to be convicted of nothing less than Your relentless, passionate pursuit of them. LORD- I am a bit overwhelmed as You are opening my spiritual eyes. As You open them to the value of Your children, also to our brokenness. How can they be and live for such hollowness? 

Guard my heart against pride God- I want to overflow, not just for myself to be be filled but overflow as far as I can. As far as You can reach. 

I want to burn out bright that people will see that the light is not from me but something that has to be divine, supernatural, not of me. I feel like I'm about to get past this threshold- that beyond this point- they may be able to see You. Beyond me. Beyond my 'personality', 'disposition', 'talents'- God I want that so badly with all my heart... because it is You who bring life, not me... Not me... How unfortunate would that be. 

Pastor Jamie prayed for me that I would be such a clear and transparent container that they may be able to see Your light, Your glory. And the speaker described my fear of feeling like a weak container/jar of clay (2 Corinthians 4:7) and the fear of being consumed- 

I need to be led by You- Your Spirit- I need to be so close to You that You show me how to be the clearest container that I can be. Consume the parts of me that block any rays of Your light- even the darkness is light to You... Open my eyes to the reality that I can't be anything for my friends, family, except when I pour out Your truths to them. 

God I repent for any ways- hints of pride, apathy- that prevented Your light from shining. For keeping Your light under a bowl. God I pray that as I understand the darkness of this world and of this campus that I will realize and live out that I can't afford to keep Your light under anything... 

My desire has been for others to 'see me through'- which You alone meet over and over...

Now I want others to see 'beyond me' to see YOU. 

And You are great at making me laugh. As always... The day I come back from IHOP, You would own me with the message that resonates in the deepest parts of my heart, that tells me that You've seen me and led me all throughout the last season... on top of that, You would humor me again with the 'lion cake' and the 'bunsen burner' cake. You are. Really funny.