What to say...

He has been... He is doing so much. 

When people ask me, "how are you doing?" or "what have you been up to?" or even "what has He been showing you...?". Sometimes I wish they could scan my brain, read my heart, and I wouldn't have to do the talking. I used to think a lot about how I wished everyone could just see through everyone's thoughts. Then things would not be as complicated. But that's kinda different. And now I don't think I would like that anymore. Although I have become more open and vulnerable since then. 

But He helped me process, He always does. And today, almost unconsciously, I told my friend that He has been "refining and re-defining my definition of love, closer to His, by shaking up my relationships". 

Yeapp... 

He has granted the desires of my heart, and He knows it inside-out... He knows how I long to find security in relationships. Much of my journey acknowledging Him to be who He is has been trusting Him with all sorts of awkward ones, trusting that I'm not the awkward one... and much of my praises and awe of His beauty have flown from Him doing ridiculous things with the deepest-wounded, most hopeless relationships. 'Complicated' ones. Nowadays, I feel almost like an audience watching my relationships (I actually would not call all of them relationships either... Like, really... I don't have a relationship with all of my friends on Facebook. I guess the more correct term is people I have...crossed paths with at some point) as He unfolds, directs, allows, moves them around. Some are flourishing. Actually, this group is the smallest. Some are fading... Mostly ones at home, which begins a battle fighting guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Some are emerging. Let's fight anxiety... I ask Him to give me wisdom to discern which ones He wants me to invest in, and peace and freedom to meet more new faces. Faith and His compassion to genuinely want to know their stories and tell them about His for them. Some are coming back into my life out of nowhere. They can't be of anything else but Him pursuing them and their deep need for Him, He shows me. Some are struggling... This is where He has been especially waking me up to His definition of love (the phrases we say about His love all the time... they're not ideal definitions, they're the only real ones). Some are not even relationships.. but oh the strangers You bring... or used-to-be-strangers. 

It's definitely not that I feel like an audience because I don't care about them. It's a battle to be free from guilt, anxiety, sadness, frustration... to let go of 'control' and let Him tell me that my identity is solely defined by one relationship. Nor do how my relationships are going tell me how I am doing... not even if I'm doing okay with my relationship with Him... Puhaha... I am definitely not in control... He has clearly been telling me 'Why are you trying to play me...?' , not in a stern way, but a "Soomin... you are so silly" way... 

This is turning out to be longer than I thought, and I have not been studying for the past few hours for my math quiz tomorrow morning. But I have been cramming Organic Chemistry like there is no tomorrow for the past 3 days T_T... Anyways...

Fleeting... is the favor of men... I am sure it is amongst many in the book of Ecclesiastes... ahah... and not even the awesome relationships I have between people and myself, the ones Himself blesses and is pleased by,  is comparable to the relationship that I desire to encourage them to find and pursue with Him. The goal of any of my relationships should be that... 

Writing this, looking back, and looking at what is ahead of me right now in terms of  what this post has been about... there's been lots of emotions involved. Or could have been, could involve, but I think it means I'm doing pretty all right that more than my emotions or how I feel about where a certain relationship is going, who He is revealing Himself to be (He is love Himself), how He is getting me from my definition to His, and being humbled and awed at Him building a stronger and stronger foundation in my identity as His beloved daughter is what brings joy to my heart, at the end of the day. Oh. And in the morning. :) 

I want to live before Your eyes, 

I want to stay before Your gaze. 

Just keep me steady, here.