I am such a weakling, it's pathetic. Biking is not supposed to make you this air-headed and sore. Even if the bike has no gears. I am motivated though. Until the day I can freely ride uphill... and I definitely appreciate this cute cruiser that my generous friend is letting me use.

Speaking of pathetic... maybe it's how pathetic puppies or kittens can look at times, maybe just a bit, that makes them even cuter or stirs up something in your heart and want you to hold them forever. Not drawing this connection with my first pathetic illustration. The first one is just sad. 

But maybe I'm going somewhere with this post. 

Something about having a broken spirit stirs God's heart deeply. More than anything else. 

 ¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) 

In some ways, for me at least... it's easier for me to feel the things on His heart for the poor, the homeless, those who I may never come in contact with but I know live in such a different world than my bubble... but they are not the only brokenhearted, and the crushed in spirit. There are definitely such people who are very much brokenhearted and crushed in spirit close in my proximity, even if I may not be aware. Or I might get a sense, but it's harder for me to truly feel the things on His heart for them. Why? 

Am I not convinced that He is their only hope? That there are other things that they could fall back on. When in truth, they are only barriers if they are fooled to think that they could 'fall back on them'. Is that why it's harder for them to feel that the LORD is close to them? Harder for me to see that He longs to be close to them? 

My desire is to feel the burdens on Your heart. But to know that You are on Your throne and not to acknowledge anything less than that. How does that look like, Abba... 

Your desire is to take me deeper. Yes, it delights You that I want to lean close to You and dare to put my ears so closely to hear Your heartbeat. But You need me to be a baby. In order for me to be able to listen. I need to be convinced that I am just Your baby. That You don't require me to be anything else. Actually... such posture is only possible when I let myself be a baby. To be held, and be cradled. To have childlike confidence in Your love for me. The most powerful thing I have ever experienced.

It's reassuring, though. Whenever I look back... or whenever I hear somebody tell me how much I've grown, especially in my boldness... I just look at them and think. Dang. It's funny how that works is because if I've grown in any direction, it's in my neediness. It's in my dependence on Him, and freedom to be, yeah, His baby. And sometimes I might do something bold but it's really not. All I know is that He wants to show His love and that He wants to set who He is or what He is about straight. 

It's not about knowing all the details of how You work. Or what You are doing. But You yearn for us to know You.  You also have a desire to be known and understood. 

So it really is a win-win situation. I actually need to be a baby. To be able to understand You deeply. I think I can do that. I think I can be pretty good at it. I've been pretty good at it recently... so why is it that right now, with everything that is going on, with 'so much' on my plate (but I don't really think about this. Which sometimes the enemy lies to me that's being irresponsible and foolish.But the truth is it's far more foolish to keep your eyes on the plate instead of on His face or even just the flowers in the field), it seems to be pretty challenging to be just that. A baby. 

Not to say that You are frustrated with me. I think I'm doing all right... and You know all the reasons why it's challenging for me. 

You have such an upside down Kingdom.